How I coped with telling people I was a bereaved when I started university

by Francesca who was supported by Child Bereavement UK after her father died when she was 17.

My advice to any bereaved person starting university would be to do what feels right.

My dad passed away the day after New Year’s Eve, right at the start of 2023 when I was 17 and about to take my A levels. He had a long fight with pancreatic cancer but managed to defy the odds and fight for two years before passing.

Knowing someone is going to die is scary, but I’m very grateful for the time we spent together and that we were able to properly say goodbye to each other. Our family made the most of every minute together, and talking to Child Bereavement UK through the whole process helped me to ‘come to terms’ with it as much as I could before the 2 January 2023.

I worked so hard to get the grades for my dream course and got into my top choice of university. I was so excited to go! I knew I was going to love my course and have the best time. But although I couldn’t wait to get started, I was also scared. Being bereaved is a vulnerable time in your life, and I didn’t know how people were going to treat me or how I was going to cope emotionally.

It can be lonely at university when you are grieving, and you can feel that no-one understands what you are going through. Saying this, although there are few if any positives about losing someone close to you, one is that it does make you extremely resilient. Going to university felt so small compared to the last few years I had been through, and I naturally felt more mature than others. This in some ways made the transition easier, as I felt like I could take on anything!

I decided to tell people that I was bereaved a bit later, not right at the beginning. I wanted to feel ‘normal’ for a while before I told people, and freshers week is so busy and non-stop that the first few weeks go by in a flash. When I knew who I was going to be friends with, I told them when it naturally came up in conversation while we were all talking about our parents. It was such a relief to get it off my chest, and not have to dread conversations about people’s parents anymore.

Telling people that you have lost a parent is always difficult, but when you’re trying to make friends, it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. I was also scared that people would think I was going to be sad all the time and not be any fun. Of course, there will be times where you are upset or don’t feel like being around people, but grief isn’t always about crying your eyes out, and I hoped that people would know that.

Those people I have told understand this and don’t treat me any differently. Who you decide to tell is completely your choice, and you don’t owe it to anyone to tell them if you don’t feel comfortable to. I have only told a handful of people at university, and the rest of my support network is my family, friends from home, and my therapist. I even attended wellbeing sessions through the university so they could make sure I was coping well. Universities always have support in place for bereaved people and are happy to help whenever you need it.

Inevitably, when you tell people, news can get round, but I trusted who I told; I knew they would only tell others when they thought it was necessary. This has worked well for me as I feel I have told everyone I needed to and if anyone else is now aware, that’s saved me the awkward conversation!

Sometimes I feel as though it would be easier if everyone knew and I could be completely open, but I also like feeling that I am in control of the situation and people only know when I want them to.

My advice to any bereaved person starting university would be to do what feels right. When I started, I thought I would tell everyone, and do it a lot sooner than I did. But as soon as I got there, I realised this didn’t feel like the right thing for me to do. You are allowed to change your mind. Tell as many or as few people as you want, with as much or as little detail as you want. Do what makes sense for you.

I debated a gap year for a while, because I wasn’t sure if I was ready to leave, but taking the plunge and going to university is the best decision I’ve ever made. I don’t regret it at all. Everyone is scared to leave home, but it’s also only a train journey away. Don’t be afraid to go home when you need to. Having a few home-cooked meals and hugs makes such a difference!

University can feel lonely at times, but you really are not alone. There are so many people who want to help, whether this is new friends, calling your mum when you need to, or accessing support through the university. Also remember that everyone feels lonely at times at university, bereaved or not. Remind yourself of how well you are doing and how brave it is to take such a big step while you are grieving. I promise that once you get there, it isn’t as scary as it seems, and while there are low days, there are also many highs.

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