Support & guidance Guidance for adults For adults bereaved as children Adults bereaved as children Losing a (parent) as a child makes you feel disadvantaged emotionally. There isn’t that person willing you on, there to help you. No one there to rebel against or draw things from. You become… self-reliant and you grow up very quickly in one sense, and never grow up in another.James Dyson, EntrepreneurBeing bereaved of someone important in your life as a child can have a lasting impact on people’s lives. When a parent dies, some people describe it as ‘the moment their childhood ended’. Years ago, and even now, many children were often expected to take on more responsibility within the family. While for some this helped build self-reliance and empathy at an early age, for others it may also have caused emotional issues if their grief was not fully acknowledged or validated. We know from our work with bereaved children that the way their bereavement is managed at the time of and after a death can have long-term consequences, and our aim as a charity is to ensure that all children and young people can access the support they need, and that their bereavement is handled sensitively, with compassion and understanding. Grief is life-long, but with support, children and young people can learn to live alongside their grief, develop coping skills and strategies to manage their feelings, and become resilient and able to fulfil their potential.Our short animated film ‘The Invisible Suitcase’ uses the metaphor of an invisible suitcase to show how we all carry our experiences and emotions through life. None of us can control how our ‘suitcase’ is packed and when it might spring open, with our emotions being triggered sometimes when we least expect, but we can learn how to react when this happens. Your feelings are normal and whilst grief is something that always stays with you, by reaching out for support it is something that you can learn to manage in your life. Can being bereaved as a child affect your life as an adult?Research suggests that for some, being bereaved as a child can have a negative impact on life outcomes and health, including increased risk of depression, substance misuse, and lower self-esteem and academic performance. (Bereavement in childhood: What we know in 2015, Childhood Bereavement Network)On the other hand, there is also evidence that a large number of successful adults (including business leaders, actors, politicians, athletes, musicians, chefs and comedians) were bereaved in childhood. This could be to do with the resilience and self-reliance they learned at an early age.Either way, being bereaved is one of the most difficult life events anyone can experience. The way the bereavement is handled by the adults around children and young people at the time can make a big difference to their long-term outcomes.I recall the day that my brother and I were told that Dad had died, my Mum said to him ‘You’re going to have to be the man of the house now.’ He was 2 years older than me and I remember thinking, ‘What about me?’. I wonder if that somehow spurred me on to be more competitive, independent and self-reliant.Mike, who was bereaved of his fatherWhy do some people think that being bereaved as a child has made them stronger?Some people say that coping with the death of a parent or other close person allowed them to discover personal strength and resilience they didn’t know they had.I’m such a happy, optimistic person now. My identity and the things that I like most about myself are directly from being bereaved. When you reach a point where you have accepted it and reframed it into a more positive narrative you have gained so much determination, so much resilience. Compared to that, everything else is nothing, it's a walk in the park.Rebecca, who was bereaved of her motherMany world leaders and successful people were bereaved as children including Mahatma Ghandi, Indira Gandhi, Madonna, Oprah Winfrey, Bill Clinton, Winston Churchill, Nelson Mandela and John Major. Some people believe this is due to ‘post-traumatic growth’, a term psychologists use to describe positive change after a highly challenging life event. Watch a short BBC film Losing a parent made me more resilient to find out more. If I could talk to my 12-year-old self now, I would say ‘In the end you’ll survive.’ Going through bereavement made me thicker skinned. If I could put back time, I wouldn’t of course want my father to die but there are benefits that came from it in weird ways.MikeHowever this isn’t the same for everyone and even those who feel it has made them stronger do not necessarily always feel like this. There is no set pattern to grief and everyone’s experience is unique to them; how you respond to your childhood bereavement can also change at different stages in your life, such as if you enter into a relationship or get married, start university/college or a new job, or set up your own business.Milestones such as these can often trigger thoughts and emotions; for instance if one of your parents died, then becoming a parent yourself could trigger increased understanding of how difficult things must have been for your surviving parent. Other family occasions such as weddings and funerals, or even reaching the same age as the person was when they died, can trigger emotions and these feelings may surprise you and others, especially if the person died many years ago. You may revisit old feelings or experience renewed sense of loss.Is it normal to still feel sad or upset about the person who died when I was a child?It’s taken me years to understand how I feel, to unpack and identify my own loss.Andrew, whose brother died before he was bornIt is normal to feel sad when remembering someone, regardless of how long ago they died. Even though someone important to you died many years ago, there may be times when you revisit your grief such as their birthday, the date of their death or special occasions such as Christmas or other religious festivals, Mother’s or Father’s Day, and the intensity of your feelings may be surprising and overwhelming. There may be other triggers or reminders, or you may not know why you are feeling your grief just as intensely. Whatever the reason, acknowledge these feelings and be kind to yourself. See our resource on managing special occasions for further guidance. In 1999 my brother died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage – he was only 44 years old. It was hard to see my sister-in-law, nephew and niece going through what we’d gone through in my childhood and it brought up lots of memories and emotions.MikeSometimes, if a child was not given the opportunity to express their grief or talk about the person who has died, in adulthood they can be left with difficult feelings that are complicated and unresolved.At a young age, bereavement is just confusing. I was 11 - it’s not young, but it’s not old, so it’s that mid-age when you are a bit confused. You don’t really know whether to believe it, you don’t know how to accept it. Even the first day, I didn’t know if it was true or not. Joey, who was bereaved of his motherIn such cases it can be helpful to seek support from a professional or some other person you trust. Peer support groups can also be helpful so that you can feel able to talk about your experiences and feel less alone.How does the support that bereaved children have now differ to when I was child?I didn’t go to my father’s funeral. I signed a card for the wreath and was given the day off school and everyone at school was told and my friends and teachers were all nice to me. But I thought it was wrong that I didn’t go to his funeral.MikeMany years ago, children were often not included in conversations about death and were not encouraged to talk about or remember someone who had died, often not being given the opportunity to attend their funeral. This may have been done with the intention of protecting children from difficult emotions. However, this often left them feeling confused about what happened and struggling with their questions and feelings alone.It was a hard time for me. I went into secondary school just not really knowing… For me there wasn’t the support there, it was difficult. Obviously if I knew that a charity like Child Bereavement UK was about at the time, it would have helped me so much.JoeyHowever, we know now that it is important that children are listened to and helped to express and understand their feelings, are given clear, honest and age-appropriate information, and have the opportunity to talk about the person who has died, ask questions and build memories.Can talking about the person who has died help me now that I am an adult?One of the things I struggle with as an adult is not being able to access the collective family memory. I have no-one to share that with, no-one else is left from our family nucleus.MikeSome people find it helpful to talk about their bereavement in childhood as an adult, however family and friends may feel uncomfortable talking to you about the person for fear of upsetting you, or they may simply not know you were bereaved or realise how much your bereavement still impacts you. Those who don’t know what it’s like to experience the death of someone close to them may mistakenly and unhelpfully feel that you will be ‘over it by now’. You may sense that talking about your loss may be difficult as it may put others in touch with their own fears and bereavements, or there may no longer be anyone in your life who remembers, or with whom you feel comfortable talking about the person who died. You may be able to find other people outside of your family who can support you, either by talking to a professional and/or joining a peer support group with others who have had similar experiences. I didn’t feel like there was anywhere for me to turn to - I was so young at the time - and there was nothing for me to go to. I don’t really feel like people knew about great charities like Child Bereavement UK. No-one’s going to bring her back - it’s only support that can get you through it.JoeyHow can Child Bereavement UK support me?Join our community Through our work with bereaved children, we know how valuable it is to meet others with similar experiences. Finding a community who truly understands can help you connect and continue to grow around your grief. Our exclusive Facebook community group allows you to do just that, with over 3,300 members who regularly post and support one another. Join our Facebook GroupOther organisations that can support youChild Bereavement UK currently offers support to bereaved children and young people aged up to 25. However, if you are aged over 25 there are a number of organisations that can support you:ABC GriefEmail: [email protected]Cruse Bereavement CareHelpline: 0800 808 1677MindCall: 0300 123 3393Sue RyderView all available grief support services on their website Manage Cookie Preferences