Ben and George: Parenting a grieving child while grieving yourself

My name is Ben, and in March 2021, I suddenly and unexpectedly lost my wife Jo and unborn second son.  

Jo was 33 years old and we were 29 weeks pregnant. One moment, everything was completely normal, and life was happy and bright. In an instant, the sky darkened, and everything changed. My 4-year-old son, George, and I were left feeling completely lost and in utter shock, not knowing what the future held. 

I was contacted by a bereavement midwife at the hospital. Through that initial contact and signposting, I was introduced to Winston’s Wish, now Child Bereavement UK, as well as a men’s support charity for my own grief support.  

At the time, I didn’t know where to turn or what support was available, so having someone guide me towards support that specifically understood bereaved children and young families made a huge difference.  

The charity helped me by providing access to resources and information that I could use to guide some of the most difficult initial conversations of our lives. They gave me reassurance during a time when everything felt uncertain. They helped me understand that there was no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way for either of us to grieve, which was important for me to know as a parent trying to support my young child whilst also dealing with my own overwhelming grief. 

The support, resources and conversations helped to reassure me of my gut instinct of how grief can look very different in children and adults, and how important it was to create that safe space for George to ask questions, express emotions and revisit difficult conversations whenever he needed to and seeing me and my emotions so he knew it was ok to express those. It also helped me realise that supporting myself was an important part of being able to support him. 

Without being connected to the right support early on, I honestly don’t know how things would have looked, but I do know that having access to as much of the resources and material available ensured I was best armed as I could be to guide George through losing both his mum and baby brother at such a young age.  

George knows it is always more than ok to talk about his mum, ask questions, feel upset unexpectedly, but also still laugh, smile, and enjoy life alongside grief. 

Their support helped shape many of the ways we now openly communicate about grief as a family. George knows it is ALWAYS more than ok to talk about his mum, ask questions, feel upset unexpectedly, but also still laugh, smile, and enjoy life alongside grief. This has also created an environment that allows me to talk to George about happy memories of his mum without upsetting him. 

One moment, George could be laughing and playing, then suddenly ask a deep, emotional question about his mum. 

One of the most important things I learnt from Child Bereavement UK was the idea of children ‘puddle jumping’ in grief. As adults, we often expect grief to look consistently sad, but children can move between emotions incredibly quickly. At first, that was confusing and difficult to navigate because I would be left flooded with emotions in the middle of talking to him and suddenly, he’d be distracted by something or start playing again. Learning that this was a very natural part of childhood grief helped me understand that children process grief in smaller, more manageable moments. I remember wishing that our adult brains let us do that at times too! 

We’ve also experienced many unexpected parts of grief as a family. Sometimes it’s the obvious milestones and anniversaries that bring big storms of grief, but often it’s the smaller everyday moments that can hit the hardest. School events, hearing certain songs, noticing other families out and about, or questions unexpectedly appearing years later. Grief continues to evolve, and so does the support needed around it. 

Over time, I also realised how powerful it can be to connect with other people who have walked a similar path. Seeing other parents openly talk about navigating grief whilst supporting children helped me feel less isolated and gave me hope that life could still continue alongside loss. That experience ultimately led me to create @hisgriefuk where I now openly share our journey in the hope of helping others feel understood, less alone and more supported through grief.