When a child doesn't remember someone who has died Part of you feels a sense of 'inheriting grief', almost being a bystander of your family’s loss. Andrew If a relative - such as a mother, father, brother, sister, or grandparent - dies when a child is a baby or very young, they may have few, if any, memories of them, and any they do have may be hazy. There may also be cases where a relative has died before they were born where there will be no personal memories of the person, even though they might be closely related. When others in the family can remember the person who has died but they cannot, children can feel confused, excluded, or upset that others have memories they are unable to share in. Where there are, for example, older brothers or sisters who do have memories of the person who has died, younger children may feel upset that they didn’t get to meet their relative, or have forgotten things, and feel envious of older siblings who can remember. A child might grieve for the memories they didn’t create with the person who died, the support and guidance they will not receive, the love they have not directly received but know it would have existed. They may even feel a sense of a void in their family narrative. All these feelings are valid and significant to a child who is grieving. Signs of this type of grief might include intense curiosity and asking lots of questions about the person who has died; feeling different from peers who have living grandparents, parents, or siblings; sadness that seems disproportionate to others; anger about missing out on the relationship; guilt about not feeling sad "enough"; creating an imaginative narrative about what life would be like if the person were alive; becoming upset during family celebrations where the absence is notable. Should I talk to my child about the person who has died? Talking about the person who has died will help your child to feel included and to form their own connection with them. If your child doesn’t have their own memories, talk about things the person did, liked or disliked, or were good at, to help build a picture. Answer your child’s questions openly and honestly and share your memories with them, especially if they are positive, funny or inspiring, but try not to idealise the person and portray them as someone ‘perfect’ who your child cannot possibly hope to be like or live up to. Look at our short animated film for ways to remember someone who has died. How can I help my child feel connected to the person who has died? I didn't meet my brother so it all felt a bit abstract to me. As I got older though, I could see the affect it had on other people in my family. Patrick Talk about the person who has died from time to time; don’t feel you can’t mention them in front of your child – children can often sense when they are being excluded. By talking to your child and sharing your own memories, you can help them feel included and make their own special connection. Perhaps you could share photographs together and talk about any positive similarities between the child and the person who has died, things they liked to do, food they liked, their hobbies, things they were good at or funny things they said and did. View our resource on remembering someone who has died. It’s important that a child’s feeling are not dismissed or seen as less significant. Validate their feelings and acknowledge that their grief is real and important. Here are some examples of ways you can do this: “It’s OK that you miss them. Would you like to talk about your feelings?” “It’s understandable to feel sad about them and miss them even though you never met them.” “You can miss someone that you don’t remember, this is absolutely OK.” “It’s okay to feel angry that you didn’t get to know them.” How can I help my child express incomplete memories? Sometimes a child may not remember someone in the way older children or adults do, but may remember feelings or senses, such as their smell or the feel of their clothing. If you are able to, you might consider giving them a piece of their relative’s clothing or another item which belonged to them to keep, or have something in the house that reminds them of feelings associated with their relative, such as their aftershave or perfume. Make time to talk about how this makes them feel and any memories the item evokes. For further guidance: Remembering someone who has died. How can I help my child build their own memories and connection with the person who had died? If you have items belonging to the person who died, you could create a memory box, or if not, you could add items that represent what the person liked or were important to them, helping your child feel connected to them. You could also write down any positive memories together and put them inside the box so that your child can look at these when they want to, helping them to build a lasting connection with their relative. Other ways you can support your child: Share stories, memories, and use memory stones or create a salt jar. They may want to write letters to their person or keep a memory journal. Honour their memory on birthdays or anniversaries, this can be done by making a special cake or card. You can help bring the memory of the person to life through storytelling: share specific memories and, if you feel able to, include funny, ordinary moments alongside significant ones. Describe their special persons personality, quirks, and interests. Visit their grave, memorial, or somewhere else important. Look through family photos. Cook their favourite food. Spend time together participating in activities they enjoyed. When the child asks questions, try to answer them as honestly as you can. If you need time to think of an answer, let them know that but make sure you answer them later on. Activities that might help your child could include: Wishful Thinking: This activity is based around exploring what the child might already know about their person who died. Depending on their age and when their person died, talk to the young person about what they might think their person would be like now. What do they think they would be doing with them? What would they like to do with the person if they were still alive? You could start with these themes: Physical appearance. Are there any photos of the person? What did they look like then? What do you think they would look like now? Hobbies and interests. What would you have liked to do together? What were their favourite colours? What foods do you think they would like? Personality. Using memories from other people, find out about what their personality was like. Do you have any similarities or differences to them? Do you think they would be funny or silly? Do you think they would be kind or gentle? Future events. Are there things you wish they could do with the person who died? How could you include them in a special day? To keep these ideas of wishful thinking, the child could draw pictures or write their ideas down. This is an activity that can be revisited many times as they grow older and learn more about their person and themselves. Keeping drawings or notes in a memory box can be helpful so they’re always somewhere safe and they can look at them when they want to. Life Quiz: Creating a quiz about the person who has died can be a way of exploring other people’s memories, allowing your child to learn more about them. It is also a great way of asking for stories about them and keeping a note of them. These stories and memories become increasingly precious to children and have a particularly important part to play for children who were very young when their special person died. When a child has little to no memories of their person, stories take their place in building up a picture of the person. This activity can help the child to remember the interesting and intriguing person who lived, rather than only focusing on their death. Drawing up a timeline: Plotting events in the person’s life along a ‘river’ of memories can help your child gain a sense of who the person was. Choose some dates to plot out on the timeline, for example the person’s birthday, the year they went to school and left school, wedding days, the child’s own birthday etc. Marking these out visually on some paper or digitally on a tablet or similar can give a child a sense of how this person’s life was interwoven with their own, and it can help them understand who the person was before they died. Writing a poem or song: Writing a poem or song can help a child feel closer to the person they didn’t get the chance to know. Even without their own memories, children can write their poem or song based on stories they’ve heard, photos they’ve seen, or the things they wonder about – maybe from the wishful thinking activity at the top of this page! Turning their thoughts into words lets the child creatively express their feelings about their grief and the person who has died. The poem doesn’t have to rhyme, and the song doesn’t have to be perfect, the point is that they are releasing some of their emotions. Marking special days: Your child may like to do something to remember their important person on special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, or other significant dates. They could try writing them a card, lighting a candle for them with a responsible adult, listening to some music, or making them a cake with the help of a grown-up. If possible, they may want to visit the grave or a peaceful place that has a connection to the person who died, or somewhere else they can go to and feel relaxed. Memory Box: If your child has any personal items belonging to the person who died, or any items that feel important, they could make a memory box. There are no right or wrong things to put in a memory box, it can be anything that helps the child feel connected to the person who died. For example, they could choose photos, personal belongings, cards they have written, pictures they have drawn, or anything else that fits into a box. View the full range of purpose-built memory boxes we sell in our online shop. Plant a flower or tree: Planting bulbs, seeds, flowers, or trees can be an activity to do together to help children or young person have a place or space to remember their person and stay connected. They might like to help choose the flower or tree and then decide together where they would like to plant it. If you don’t have a garden, consider a plant pot for the windowsill. Can other people help my child feel connected with the person who has died? I used to think about the games we never got to play, the birthdays we did not get to celebrate, the toys we could have shared, the embarrassing primary school photos with the bad haircuts, growing up together. Andrew Friends and family may have photos of or things that belonged to the person who died that they can share with your child. They may also be able to talk about their memories of the person, again emphasising any positive similarities between them and the child. One idea that some families find helpful is to ask friends and families to write their memories and thoughts in a letter, card or book as something special to look at with your child, now and in years to come. How can I help my child maintain a connection with the person who has died? No matter at what chapter you enter your family story, losing a sibling changes how that story continues and impacts all its characters in different ways. Andrew You could mark the person’s birthday, or other special day by, for instance, making their favourite cake or meal, playing their favourite music, or doing something special that reminds you of them, so that your child feels a connection to them. How can school help? Sometimes school may not know that a relative has died or they may think this doesn’t affect the child as they died some time ago and the child has few, if any, memories. It can help to let school know about the child’s situation so that teachers and other staff can be supportive and understanding, and for the school to be aware of any events that might trigger emotions for the child. You might like to let your child’s school know that Child Bereavement UK produces comprehensive resources for schools and further education including a free downloadable guide; Managing bereavement in schools alongside other free resources. We can also offer support to your child’s school. What if my child doesn't react how I expect them to when I talk about the person who has died? It may be the case that your child reacts differently from how you would expect them to, or from how you are feeling yourself. A child can show a range of emotions from a lack of interest, a neutral response or being extremely inquisitive or upset, even if they didn’t meet or don’t remember the person who died. These responses can be upsetting for you, especially if you are grieving and their response is different from your own. These reactions are normal and can be influenced by a number of factors, including your child’s understanding of death and dying. However, if you are concerned about your child’s response or finding it difficult to manage, then call our Helpline for guidance and support on caring for a bereaved child. View our resource for more on parenting a bereaved child. Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services. 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