Part of you feels a sense of 'inheriting grief', almost being a bystander of your family’s loss.

Andrew

If a relative - such as a mother, father, brother, sister, or grandparent - dies when a child is a baby or very young, they may have few, if any, memories of them, and any they do have may be hazy. There may also be cases where a relative has died before they were born where there will be no personal memories of the person, even though they might be closely related. 

When others in the family can remember the person who has died but they cannot, children can feel confused, excluded, or upset that others have memories they are unable to share in. Where there are, for example, older brothers or sisters who do have memories of the person who has died, younger children may feel upset that they didn’t get to meet their relative, or have forgotten things, and feel envious of older siblings who can remember.

Should I talk to my child about the person who has died?

Talking about the person who has died will help your child to feel included and to form their own connection with them. If your child doesn’t have their own memories, talk about things the person did, liked or disliked, or were good at, to help build a picture. Answer your child’s questions openly and honestly and share your memories with them, especially if they are positive, funny or inspiring, but try not to idealise the person and portray them as someone ‘perfect’ who your child cannot possibly hope to be like or live up to. Look at our short animated film for ways to remember someone who has died.

How can I help my child feel connected to the person who has died?

I didn't meet my brother so it all felt a bit abstract to me. As I got older though, I could see the affect it had on other people in my family.

Patrick

Talk about the person who has died from time to time; don’t feel you can’t mention them in front of your child – children can often sense when they are being excluded. By talking to your child and sharing your own memories, you can help them feel included and make their own special connection. Perhaps you could share photographs together and talk about any positive similarities between the child and the person who has died, things they liked to do, food they liked, their hobbies, things they were good at or funny things they said and did. View our resource on remembering someone who has died.

How can I help my child express incomplete memories?

Sometimes a child may not remember someone in the way older children or adults do, but may remember feelings or senses, such as their smell or the feel of their clothing. If you are able to, you might consider giving them a piece of their relative’s clothing or another item which belonged to them to keep, or have something in the house that reminds them of feelings associated with their relative, such as their aftershave or perfume. Make time to talk about how this makes them feel and any memories the item evokes. For further guidance: Remembering someone who has died.

How can I help my child build their own memories and connection with the person who had died?

If you have items belonging to the person who died, you could create a memory box, or if not, you could add items that represent what the person liked or were important to them, helping your child feel connected to them. 

You could also write down any positive memories together and put them inside the box so that your child can look at these when they want to, helping them to build a lasting connection with their relative. 

Read our resource for more activities that can help children talk about their feelings and memories.

Can other people help my child feel connected with the person who has died?

I used to think about the games we never got to play, the birthdays we did not get to celebrate, the toys we could have shared, the embarrassing primary school photos with the bad haircuts, growing up together.

Andrew

Friends and family may have photos of or things that belonged to the person who died that they can share with your child. They may also be able to talk about their memories of the person, again emphasising any positive similarities between them and the child. One idea that some families find helpful is to ask friends and families to write their memories and thoughts in a letter, card or book as something special to look at with your child, now and in years to come.

How can I help my child maintain a connection with the person who has died?

No matter at what chapter you enter your family story, losing a sibling changes how that story continues and impacts all its characters in different ways.

Andrew

You could mark the person’s birthday, or other special day by, for instance, making their favourite cake or meal, playing their favourite music, or doing something special that reminds you of them, so that your child feels a connection to them.

How can school help?

Sometimes school may not know that a relative has died or they may think this doesn’t affect the child as they died some time ago and the child has few, if any, memories. It can help to let school know about the child’s situation so that teachers and other staff can be supportive and understanding, and for the school to be aware of any events that might trigger emotions for the child.

You might like to let your child’s school know that Child Bereavement UK produces comprehensive resources for schools and further education including a free downloadable guide; Managing bereavement in schools alongside other free resources. We can also offer support to your child’s school.

What if my child doesn't react how I expect them to when I talk about the person who has died? 

It may be the case that your child reacts differently from how you would expect them to, or from how you are feeling yourself. A child can show a range of emotions from a lack of interest, a neutral response or being extremely inquisitive or upset, even if they didn’t meet or don’t remember the person who died.

These responses can be upsetting for you, especially if you are grieving and their response is different from your own. These reactions are normal and can be influenced by a number of factors, including your child’s understanding of death and dying. However, if you are concerned about your child’s response or finding it difficult to manage, then call our Helpline for guidance and support on caring for a bereaved child.

View our resource for more on parenting a bereaved child.

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