When someone important in your life dies, you can have many difficult or confusing feelings. You may feel completely overwhelmed by powerful feelings and emotions that you do not understand or expect. This is sometimes called 'grief' or 'bereavement'.  

You may feel shocked, angry, worried or overwhelmed with sadness. Some feelings may surprise or even frighten you, but you won’t always feel like this. It can help to know there are people around you who you can turn to, even if you don’t know what to say.  A young person we supported at Child Bereavement UK told us: “Grief is a massive bundle of different emotions and intense feelings. You cry over someone dying. You cry then you stop. Then you cry, then you stop.” The most important thing to remember about grief is that it can affect different people in different ways, and all these feelings are normal.  

This guide looks at issues that you might be facing with ideas from other young people about how to cope and find support. 

How you might feel

Shocked or numb: You may feel shocked or numb, just when you expect to feel really upset. It might be hard to believe the person has died and you may expect them to walk through the door at any time. 

Confused and worried:  It’s normal to feel confused and worried when someone special to you has died. It may be hard to understand what has happened and the ways in which your life has changed. You might panic or begin to worry that you or someone else close to you is going to die as well. If your parent, carer or grandparent has died, you might worry about who will look after you in the future, or feel burdened by new responsibilities. 

When someone dies, it is also very common to start wondering about life, what it means to you, who you are and what you’d like to be. You may feel you have lots of answered questions. If  you are worried about your thoughts, or you feel unsafe, tell someone. 

Physically exhausted: Grief is exhausting. You could go off food or find it becomes tasteless, but try to eat regularly as this can help your energy levels. You may find it hard to sleep, or have upsetting dreams. You may feel tired or fed up, or find it hard to concentrate at school, college or work. It can help to get fresh air and exercise, even just a quick walk with a friend. You may find it helpful to look at our resource on looking after yourself when someone has died. 

Angry and guilty: Feelings of anger, regret and guilt are common when you are grieving. You might not understand why you feel angry but it is a normal feeling. It may feel unfair that the person has died and left you. 

Some people feel guilty or blame themselves or other people, even if there is nothing that could have been done to change what happened. It is very normal to think that you could have done more or that you could have acted differently. Be assured that it was not your fault and there is nothing you could have done to prevent the death.

If you feel angry or guilty, try to tell someone about it, write it down, or find another safe way to let your feelings out. Do something energetic to let off steam, or find a quiet, safe space to go to when you are stressed. This may help you find new ways to think about what happened. 

You may find it helpful to watch our short animated film Volcano which suggests ways to cope with difficult emotions so they don’t build up and erupt - like a volcano. Our short animated film Invisible Suitcase may also be helpful as it explains ways to manage your feelings. 

Lonely: You may have a good group of friends but if none have experienced your situation, then you can feel lonely even when surrounded by people. Even with your family, if you are all grieving differently, bereaved young people we have supported tell us you can still feel very alone.

That some days are good and others bad: Sometimes you'll have an awful day when you feel you can’t cope. You'll feel anxious, angry, tearful or isolated. But you may also have days when you're hopeful and optimistic. In the early stages you may be having more bad days than good, but this can change over time. Don’t feel guilty if you have a day when you don’t think about the person who died, you don’t have to be sad all the time. Give yourself permission to enjoy the things you used to and to have fun sometimes. 

That your grief is delayed: Feelings of grief may come later, and you may think: “Why now?” Sometimes we can’t deal with strong feelings straight away. It can also take time to really understand what has happened and what it means for you. Birthdays and other dates may bring back memories or painful feelings. You might find it helpful to watch our short guidance film and look at our resource on managing special occasions when you’re bereaved. 

That school or college is difficult: You may want to get back to school or college as soon as possible, or need a bit of time off. If some or all of your teachers know what has happened and how it has impacted you, they should be able to understand if you seem quiet or upset. You or someone else can talk to your form teacher or Head of Year about what support you need, and they can pass it on to other staff. 

If school or college work is hard to deal with, talk to your teachers so that together you can find ways to ease the pressure. Depending on your circumstances, you may be able to  get extra support with school work and exams. 

Watch our short animated film What is grief? for more on the feelings and challenges you might experience and what can help.

What can help when you’re grieving?

Make memories: If possible, keep photos, letters, an item of clothing or other items that belonged to the person who died, to help you remember them. It may be painful at first, but memories are really important. In later years you will be so glad you have them.  Watch our short animated film about remembering someone special who has died for more ideas on ways to remember someone important to you. If a friend or someone else outside the family has died, you may be able to do something creative to remember them with others, organise a fundraising event in their memory, or just do something that’s personal and meaningful to you. For more ideas, see our resource on remembering someone who has died.

Be kind to yourself: You may be going through one of the worst experiences of your life, so be kind to yourself. At first things will feel very difficult,  but as time goes on, the feelings of shock, numbness or panic will lessen. Grief doesn’t go away completely, and the person will always be important to you, but with support you can find ways to cope so that your grief becomes a more manageable part of your life. 

In a year, things could look very different, and in five years... who knows? You can look to the future and have goals to aim for, while still remembering the person who has died. 

Accept support from friends and family:  Those around may be grieving too and it can help to share feelings and memories, if you can and feel able. You might feel that nobody understands what you're going through and that you're alone in your grief. If you're worried about upsetting your family, maybe there's a friend or another adult you can talk to. 

You may find it easier to try talking to your family while doing something else, for instance, while on a car journey, or doing something together like shopping or walking the dog. You can talk about everyday things if talking about feelings is too hard. Just keeping connected will help you all to be less worried about each other. 

Some friends may feel awkward if they don’t know what to say, or you may feel different from them because they've not been through what you have. You may find it hard to care about what they're into, for a while. You may even find it helpful to switch off from social media for a while if it starts to feel overwhelming. Tell friends how you feel and how they can help, including just hanging out and being normal if that's what you need. Kayleigh told us: “I told my friends: ‘If I get upset, it doesn’t matter, just ask me.’ They said that helped them a lot.” 

Many young people find it beneficial to talk to other bereaved young people who are a similar age to them and have had similar experiences. Our groups for young people are facilitated groups for bereaved young people between the ages of 11 and 25 to meet for social activities and to work on creative projects together. You can call our Helpline to find out how you might access a group after an initial appointment.

Ask for help: At first, people will probably be very supportive and rally around you. You might get a lot more attention than you are used to. This can feel positive and helpful at the time, but it may feel overwhelming at times, or you may feel disappointed if it fades off later. Although others have their own lives to get on with, it is still OK to ask for support, even months or years later. Seamus told us: “I was really alone, I didn't want to speak to anyone - I just wanted to be by myself. But now I can talk about what happened without getting upset.”

You may have great support from family and friends, but feel you need extra help. Most support organisations for young people are free. Most also offer confidential support which means they keep what you say is private, unless they are worried about your safety.

See our tips from young people on managing grief, for more ideas that may help. 

We can help 

Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services.

You can also call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40, email [email protected], or use Live Chat on our website.