Occasionally feeling anxious about school is something most children and young people will experience and, although it can be difficult, it is normal and usually short-lived. However, for some children going to school can be so emotionally overwhelming that they may seek to avoid it altogether; this is known as emotionally based school non-attendance (EBSNA) and can be difficult not only for the child but also for their family and school. Please note, EBSNA can also be known as EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance), however for this resource we have used the former term. 

Is my child avoiding school because they are grieving?

There are many reasons that children and young people may want to avoid school. Bereavement can certainly contribute to EBSNA but the reason a child wishes to avoid school is likely to be complex with more than one factor involved. It’s important to recognise that grief is enduring so if a death of someone significant to them is a factor in your child’s EBSNA, this could occur some time after their bereavement.

Reasons that children and young children might avoid school can include:

Difficulties with friends and peers: Social difficulties can affect a child’s school attendance, including being excluded from their social group, bullying, transitions to new year groups, and the challenge of making new friends. Sadly, children and young people who are bereaved can sometimes be more vulnerable to bullying.

Feeling apathetic: In the face of the enormity of the death of someone close to them, bereaved teenagers, in particular, can become apathetic and develop a ’what’s the point?’ attitude to school. They can lose their sense of purpose and become disillusioned with school and the pressures of homework and exams. They can become withdrawn and find it difficult to talk about what they are experiencing, making it challenging to engage with them. See our resource for more on supporting a bereaved teenager.

Feeling misunderstood: Children and young people can often feel that others, including their friends, teachers, and sometimes their family, don’t understand how they are feeling and may expect them to ‘get over’ their bereavement after a few weeks or even forget that they are grieving. 

Finding schoolwork difficult: Trying to manage schoolwork while coping with difficult emotions can be challenging and it may be difficult to keep up if your child has taken time away from school because of bereavement, particularly if they have missed chunks of coursework or have regressed in their learning. For older children the pressure to perform academically can be stressful. Children and young people may also feel uncomfortable with certain teachers or find particular topics triggering.

Difficulties coping in the classroom: When a young person is bereaved, dealing with difficult emotions may mean they seem less engaged and confident in lessons, which can be misinterpreted as not trying hard, being disinterested, or even being disrespectful or rude. They may also disengage if a subject is triggering or if they’re worried that the teacher will ask them a question that touches on their grief or single them out in some way because of their bereavement. 

Changes to routine: When someone in the family has died, particularly if they were responsible for day-to-day care, a child may find familiar practical arrangements are disrupted and this can cause anxiety. They might have concerns, for example about being late for school, having the correct equipment, being able to undertake their after-school activities, or being supported with homework.

Feeling emotionally uncomfortable: For most bereaved children, school can provide a consistent, safe and supportive environment away from the upheaval of bereavement. However, managing difficult emotions at school can be hard. A child or young person may not wish other pupils to see they are upset and may feel there is nowhere to escape to and no one with whom they can share how they feel. Difficulty regulating their emotions may also put them in conflict with staff and other pupils.

Sensory difficulties: For some children and young people, particularly those who are neurodivergent, school can be a place of sensory discomfort which may feel confusing and overwhelming. See our resource for more on supporting a bereaved autistic child.

Separation anxiety: Children and young people of all ages can find that the death of someone important to them may result in them feeling anxious about being separated from their parents or caregiver, or even about the anticipation of being separated from them. See our resource for more on supporting a child with separation anxiety.

Self-esteem issues: The death of someone important to them can have a profound impact on a child’s self-esteem. Young children, in particular, can be prone to ‘magical thinking’, believing something they thought, said or did may have caused their special person to die. Older children can experience feelings of low self-worth and a lack of self-esteem, and this can suddenly emerge as their understanding of their bereavement develops with age. See our resource for more on how children and young people grieve at different ages.

Picking up on parental anxiety: Children pick up on the atmosphere at home and can feel anxious if they know a parent or caregiver is upset or is worried about leaving them at school. Where someone is not expected to live, a child may be afraid to go to school in case the person needs them or dies while they are at school. In some cases, children and young people can feel that they need to ‘be brave’ for their parent or caregiver, and bottle up their emotions, or feel that they need to look after others in their family. It is important to let them know that it is normal and OK for them to feel sad and that they do not have to feel responsible for others, either practically or emotionally,

How can I help my bereaved child with EBSNA?

Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings: If possible, acknowledge, validate and normalise your child’s difficulties as soon as you can. To begin with, speaking calmly, you might say: “I can see that you are finding school very difficult at the moment and that you don’t want to go. It must be very hard for you.”

You can ask them to describe how they feel then move on to validate their feelings, you might say: ‘It’s normal to feel anxious sometimes - I feel anxious sometimes too. When we feel anxious, we can feel as if something bad is going to happen to us, but usually that’s not true and it’s just our minds telling us this’ 

You might find it helpful to use a tool like a feelings wheel which is a visual way in which a child or young person can identify their emotions. For a younger child, you might find it useful to draw and cut out a shape of a person and ask them where on their body the child feels different emotions, such as butterflies in their tummy or headaches.

Then you might talk about things that might help them  feel less anxious - they may even have some ideas of their own, perhaps simple things that can help comfort or soothe them or something they can integrate into their routine, like quiet time or a bubble bath or a warm drink before bedtime.  

Don’t make assumptions: Avoid second-guessing what is causing your child’s EBSNA as the root is likely to be complex. It’s important to recognise that even though your child is bereaved, their EBSNA may not be a direct result of grief, although it may be a contributing factor. Often the reasons a child is avoiding school can seem very small and insignificant to an adult but may be deeply worrying and upsetting for a child, for example worries about changes in their friendship groups, the pressure of social media, or being told off at school.

Ask about triggers: When you’re talking to your child about what might be helpful, it can be useful to help them identify what they find particularly difficult. You could ask them which time of the school day they find hardest, if there’s a particular part of the school building or a teacher that worries them, or if they are having problems with any friendships. Try not to minimise their feelings if they have shared them with you, but show that you are always open to talking and that you understand that feelings can change. Keep the conversation open-ended and don’t feel pressured to ‘fix them’ or to find immediate solutions. If they ask you a question and you don’t know the answer, say so and say that you’ll try to find out.

Work with your child’s school: It’s vitally important to work with your child’s school to find strategies to help them return to school. Schools are under huge pressure to ensure the highest level of attendance and you may feel that they are strict and inflexible. However, if they’re aware of a problem, this gives them and you the opportunity to work together towards a solution, making adjustments to help your child gradually return to school.

Offer choices: When considering ways in which to encourage your child to return to school, you and school can help by offering choices; this gives your child a sense of control in what can be a confusing situation. Perhaps they could choose when they would like to arrive at school, have a strategy for time out when needed, consider how they’d like to manage lunchtime and breaks, request that a particular teacher greets them at the start of the day, have someone to whom they can speak about their feelings if they need to, or have something with them that they find comforting.

For more on how school and home can work together to provide tailored support for a bereaved child, read a blog post by one of our bereavement support practitioners. You may also find it helpful to share our resources for the education sector with your child’s school.

Help your child build resilience: Building resilience is especially important for bereaved children. Nothing can take away the sadness when someone important to them dies. However, it is possible to support children to feel good about themselves and to help them to find ways to manage any worries and uncertainties that come with the huge change in their life that bereavement brings. See our resource on ways to help your child build resilience. You may also find it helpful to watch our short guidance film on helping a child return to school when someone has died.

Find support for you: Supporting a child with EBSNA can be extremely stressful and it can be difficult to manage not only emotionally but also practically. You may feel very isolated and anxious and blame yourself, so it’s important to find support for you so that you have the emotional energy to help you through this difficult time, whether that’s through your child’s school, family and friends, or a peer support group. You may also find it helpful to call our Helpline to talk about bereavement support for you and your child.

---

Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services.

You can also call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40, email [email protected], or use Live Chat on our website.