Separation anxiety is when a child or young person experiences discomfort at being separated from a parent or caregiver. While separation anxiety is a common stage in the development of very young children, older children can also be affected.

A child of any age who has been bereaved of someone important to their day-to-day sense of security may experience separation anxiety. When someone dies, a child can suddenly become aware of their own mortality and that of those around them. This can be a scary realisation which can result in new and worrying behaviours, including developing separation anxiety.’ This is especially common when the child has experienced the death of a caregiver.

Why might a bereaved child or young person be affected by separation anxiety?

Part of the normal development of a child is to form an attachment to their parent or main carer. These people typically form part of a child’s routine and can give them a sense of safety and normality. Where there is a secure attachment, young children typically like to be close to their parent or caregiver, and their parent or caregiver can provide comfort, particularly if they are stressed or upset. As the child matures, a parent or caregiver becomes a secure base from which they can explore and navigate the world around them. 

When someone important to a child dies (particularly if that person is a parent or someone who has been a consistent caregiver), the child’s sense of security can be shattered and they may be concerned that other important people in their life may die. Younger children who have no understanding of the permanence of death may look for their special person to return.

In children of all ages, the death of someone important to them may result in them feeling anxious about being separated from their parent or caregiver, or even about the anticipation of being separated from them. Although this is upsetting for both the child and those caring for them, it is a normal and natural response to grief. 

Following a bereavement, a child may experience some of the following:

• Fear of a parent or loved one dying too
• Fear of dying themselves
• Worrying that they won’t wake up if they go to sleep
• Fear of being away from their loved ones
• Generalised fear and anxiety about going to school
• Physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, or nausea when separation occurs
• Nightmares about separation

What might separation anxiety look like?

The way a child or young person shows separation anxiety depends on their age and understanding.

Babies: While a baby’s understanding is limited and they have no language to express their feelings, they will pick up on the atmosphere around them and will also sense the absence of their parents or caregiver. Their anxiety may show as inconsolable crying, being unsettled, changes to their feeding and sleeping habits and being clingier than usual.

Toddlers: A child this age may expect the person who has died to come back and they may even look for them. They may be anxious about practical arrangements and feel anxious even if left for short periods with familiar adults.

School-aged children: Older children become aware that death is an inevitable part of life that happens to all living things. As a result, they can become anxious about their own and others’ health and safety and worry about being apart from their parent or caregiver. 

Teenagers: Teenagers may have a very strong sense of their own mortality and if bereaved as a younger child, they may be re-processing their grief. In some teenagers this can result in fear of being separated from those close to them, which can have a negative impact on their social life and their performance in school or college. 

How do I know if separation anxiety is a normal phase for my child or because they are bereaved?

When your child is bereaved, it can be difficult to know if their distress around separation is a normal part of their development or if it is a  result of their bereavement. In younger children, separation anxiety is a normal and expected part of maturing, but if you’re seeing regression in things like toileting habits, eating and speech, then it may be that their separation anxiety is part of their grieving. Older children are normally less likely to experience separation anxiety so if your bereaved child is suddenly anxious about partings, then it is likely to be a result of their grief. Whatever the reason for your child’s separation anxiety, reassurance, routine where possible, open communication and comfort will help (see guidance below). See our resource for more on helping a bereaved child to build resilience.

How can I support my grieving child who has separation anxiety?

Let them know that how they feel is OK: Let your child know that the way they are feeling is OK and that it is a normal reaction to the death of someone special to them but that over time, these feelings will ease. Say you’re ready to listen to them and to talk if they want to. 

Listen carefully: Be willing to really listen to your child’s fears and try not to downplay how they are feeling. Feeling validated and heard can go a long way in helping reduce the anxiety they are experiencing.

Keep to a routine: Keeping to a routine, as far as is possible, can help your child feel more secure. This could be keeping to a regular bedtime or meal times or going to visit grandparents on a set day. When a child’s world is turned upside down by bereavement, predictable events like these can help them feel more in control. 

Introduce separations and manage them carefully: Introduce and manage any separations carefully: It’s important not to shy away from being separated from your child, despite the anxiety it may cause. Doing this slowly and in a controlled manner where your child knows when you will be going, where you will be going and when you will be back, will help to improve anxiety as you disprove any fears they may have by returning. If you need to leave your child, try to do so calmly and quietly. Try not to show that you’re worried or upset about leaving them which may increase their anxiety. It can help to let your child know that you’ll be leaving them for a period in advance in a clear way and in language that they understand. Try to give them a sense of how long you'll be, who’ll be looking after them and when you’re coming back. 

You might say: ‘I am going to the shops to get some food later. I will be going in the car and I will be away until lunchtime, when I will come back home again. While I’m away grandma will be looking after you.'

Try not to make a scene as drawing attention to the separation can make it seem like a bigger event than it is. Remain calm, say your goodbyes and leave. Try not to put it off, if you can help it.

Provide comfort: It can help younger children to have an item to hold or have with them that comforts them or reminds them of you while you’re away. It could be a soft toy, a piece of cloth that smells of you, or a photograph.

Give reassurance: It is important to remember that we cannot promise children that we won’t die. However, you can reassure your child that most people live until old age, and that you hope too do the same by looking after yourself in the meantime. This is a gentler way to answer the dreaded question of “what if you die too?” 

Give your child choices: Feeling out of control is a big part of anxiety, so giving your child options may help them to feel that they have some control over the situation and therefore reduce the anxiety they are experiencing.

Praise all progress: Acknowledging even the smallest of accomplishments will help to build confidence in your child that they can manage without you sometimes.

Encourage memories: Making memories can help your child to feel a connection with their special person who has died and to their surviving parent or caregiver. See our animated film for ways to remember someone special to you who has died.

Use play and creativity: A creative activity is a helpful way to support a bereaved child to talk about their feelings, explore strategies to manage their grief, and find ways to remember someone special to them who has died. See our resource for ideas for creative activities for grieving children and young people. For younger children, in particular, play can be a very helpful way for them to talk about and express their feelings.  

How can I look after my own wellbeing?

Looking after a child with separation anxiety can be exhausting, particularly when you are grieving too, and it’s important to look after your own wellbeing. View our resource on looking after yourself when someone has died for guidance.  

It can help to talk to a trusted friend,  family member or a professional, having another adult to offload to is invaluable. You will be best placed to support your child when you are feeling supported yourself. If at any point you feel unable to manage your emotions, speak to your GP.

How can I find support for my bereaved child with separation anxiety?

For many bereaved children and young people, they may get all the support they need from those already around them that they know and trust. However, some children and young people may need additional support depending on their situation. 

You may find it helpful to attend our one-hour webinar for parents and carers who are supporting a bereaved child or children. You can also call our Helpline if you are concerned or have questions about parenting your bereaved child.

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