How friends can support someone who is grieving

by Lydia

Let them know you’re a safe place to talk about their feelings. 

My dad passed away in the summer, just before I went into my exams for sixth form. Some of my friends knew that my dad was terminally ill, but I didn't go into detail about it, and I only discussed it with a few people. I was still in denial about what terminally ill meant, but a little part of me knew that it was going to happen. I think people were more open to talking to me about my Dad whilst he was alive, but the idea of him dying was the worst-case scenario where people didn’t want to go to.

When my dad died, it was the first time for most of my friends that something like this had happened to a mate. For many people, they aren’t sure what to say as death can feel like a very taboo subject and it can feel easier to pretend it hasn’t happened.

As my dad had passed away the summer before school term started, I was very quiet. One thing I really appreciated from my friends was that they would still invite me to social events. As these were quite often high energy, I would sometimes say no, but it was still nice to be given the choice. Even though your friend might say no to an invitation, it is still important to give them that choice and to be understanding of their decision, one way or the other.

I wanted to be treated normally, but there’s a big difference between treating someone normally and just not talking about what’s happened at all. When someone acts normally, it is easy to forget about what has happened, but it has happened and it is a big deal. To make sure that your friend doesn’t feel isolated, it’s important to still give them opportunities to talk about it.

For any friend, the last thing you want to do is hurt or offend your mate, or make things awkward by bringing up what’s happened; but not talking about it at all can make them feel like they’re not allowed to talk about it. For many people they don’t know what to say, but the thing is, a lot of the time you don’t have to say anything really, just listen.

If you have a friend who is grieving, be patient and sympathetic and acknowledge that the situation is very serious and that they're hurting. It can help to give them a choice to speak about how they’re feeling; just be the first one to ask, ‘Hey, how are you feeling?’ or to check in with them if you know an anniversary or other significant date is coming up.

It lets them know you’ve got their back and that you’re a safe place to talk about their feelings. If your friend doesn’t want to talk about their grief, then you've let them know that you're there for them when they do, and then you can continue to be friends and do normal things. At the end of the day you can't fix it.

Treat your grieving friend like anyone else, but keep in mind that they are going through a hard time. Letting them know that you're there for them is probably the biggest thing really because eventually, whether they decide to talk about it early on or even a year later, they're going to keep that in their head and feel they can talk to you because you checked in with them.

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