How I coped with Christmas after my dad died

by Cariad Lloyd - writer, actor, comedian and podcaster

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in the grief club; whether you’ve just got here or you’ve been sat here twenty-six years like myself, Christmas is always a tricky one to negotiate. From films to social media to adverts, we are bombarded from all angles by what a perfect Christmas should look and feel like. Christmas tree in the corner, stockings hanging up, and all your loved ones gathered around. But facing this time of year as a griever is a really challenging experience. Perhaps you’re already struggling just to get through the days, let alone be full of good cheer and cook a meal for twenty people. I know from my own experience of loss, it can very tempting to pull a duvet over your head and cosplay as Scrooge before the ghosts until New Year’s Day. But an easier way to face the holidays is to try to be realistic about what you can cope with, and adjust your expectations (and those around you trying to help) to a more honest picture.

The first year we faced without my dad, we simply ran away. My mum booked a trip across the world to finally visit the relatives that we’d never met in New Zealand. I can certainly recommend for the first Christmas to be somewhere that is so different from your normal family time that you end up feeling as if you have been a granted a reprieve and simply skipped it all together.

On the dreaded day itself, Christmas lunch was a traditional Maori barbecue called a Hāngī, we watched Xena Warrior Princess sing Christmas carols on telly (a yearly NZ tradition apparently), and my brother slept in so late he nearly missed the day itself. It was so joyfully far removed from Christmases with my dad that although it was still hard, we were protected from feeling his loss so keenly.

That worked for us for the first year… but although it may sound like I’m saying go to New Zealand every December and you’ll be fine, my actual advice is to review how you feel each year. What do you need this 25 December? The year after we chose to be back home, to have our traditions but to remake them, without him there. Presents without him, lunch without him, boxing day sandwich without him. It was extraordinarily hard but we all knew once we were ready, it was a Christmas we needed to do. Years later – as we headed into grieving for five, ten, fifteen years – it changed again and we found our way by talking about it every time it came round. Sometimes we wanted to be surrounded by family and friends, other years it felt harder, we chose to be just us, always trying to acknowledge how we were feeling that particular year.

There’s no right way to survive the holidays with grief as an extra guest, other than to be kind to yourself and try if you can to give yourself the Christmas you need and want. And if that involves a takeaway and constant Hallmark films on a loop, then go for it. However you get through it, I hope it’s an OK one.

Cariad Lloyd’s first book for children, The Christmas Wish-tastrophe, is out now. Published by Hodder Children's Books and including gorgeous illustrations by Ma Pe.

Photo credit: Matt Crockett

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