Why it's important to be honest with children about death and dying

by Cariad Lloyd - writer, actor, comedian and podcaster

None of us find talking about death easy - we all need practice (and we all make mistakes). But if we don’t face those difficult conversations with children, we never get better at them

If you have spent any time around small children, you will have experienced one of their favourite hobbies - asking questions. Thankfully, we live in the days of Google and when faced with Why is Pluto a planet? Why can’t trains fly in the air? And, my son’s most recent bamboozler . . . what is fire made of? I can normally trawl the internet and find an answer that satisfies everyone. But, what do you do when a small child asks you, where do people go when they’re dead? Or why do people have to die? Even I, a member of the grief club since I was fifteen, have found myself sometimes struggling to find the right answers.

I have never wanted to be dishonest to my children about what happens when a life ends. I know too well from interviewing child bereavement specialists, palliative care doctors and death doulas, it is generally agreed that the best way to talk to children about death is to be as truthful as is possible. The kind lies we have used in the past, are now known to have made things worse rather than better, despite their well intentioned origins. Being told someone is ‘asleep’, can make a child afraid to go to bed. Being told, someone is ‘watching over you’ can well . . . sound terrifying if you think about it too much. How much are they watching? All the time?

We want to be factual, but it is most definitely not always easy to do this. The first time I had to explain to my kids, that their grandpa wasn’t around because he was . . . dead, was really painful. The second time was hard still, but I knew I could get through it, and eventually after many, many conversations, I found myself buttering toast at 7am, shouting, “yes, Grandpa is dead!”, over my shoulder as they ask me again where my dad is.

None of us find talking about death easy - we all need practice (and we all make mistakes). But if we don’t face those difficult conversations with children, we never get better at them. Of course, I understand, the caring urge to protect them, but as those of us in the grief club know, if we want them to know what happened to our loved ones, we will have to be honest about what will happen to all of us, at some point.

I found myself looking for picture books to guide me, and so many of the ones I found, were also sidestepping those conversations, I found rabbits that ‘had gone away forever’ or magical islands we couldn’t reach. It frustrated me, how could I tell my kids about their grandpa, without being genuine about what had happened to him? When I came to write my own picture book to help kids understand death and loss, I knew I wanted it to be truthful. That doesn’t mean we don’t talk of love or joy or the silly memories that make Grandpa real in their imaginations, but I want them to know if I wouldn’t lie to them about Pluto, or trains or fire - I won’t lie to them about this either. And hopefully as life goes on, and they get older, we can talk more about the nuance of loss, without being afraid, because we have been brave enough to begin this conversation many years ago.

Where Did She Go? by Cariad Lloyd (£12.99, Hachette Children’s Group) is out now, available to buy online or in your local bookshop.

Photo credit: Yellow Belly Pictures

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