Children’s understanding of death and dying develops as they mature. Children aged two to five will begin to use words like ‘dead’ but have an understanding that this is different to being alive. However they may not understand more abstract concepts yet, such as that death is permanent, and they may ask lots of questions about where the person is and when they will come back. 

At this age, children interpret information in a literal and concrete way so it’s important to use language that’s clear and won’t result in misunderstandings and confusion. Words such as ‘lost’, ‘gone away’ or ‘gone to sleep’ can feel kinder but they can be confusing for a child who may think someone lost can be found or someone who has gone to sleep may wake up.  

As a young child’s understanding develops they may ask a lot of questions, sometimes repeating questions over and over again. This is normal and is part of them making sense of what has happened.  

How can I know if a child’s behaviour is normal?

Children aged under five live very much in the moment and their emotions tend to be ‘big’ and change quickly, so they may be crying inconsolably at one moment and be giggling a moment later. They may talk about their special person who has died and then go back to playing as if nothing has happened, or they may keep mentioning that someone has died and constantly ask questions. All these behaviours are normal for children of this age; they are an indication that they are making sense of what has happened and are not necessarily signs that they are struggling. 

While a child under five might not be able to take in all the information from adults around them, they will be aware that something significant has happened. They may react strongly not only to their own grief but to that of adults around them who are involved in their day-to-day care. 

Young children cannot usually cope with strong emotions for too long and may appear to jump in and out of their grief as if they are jumping in and out of a puddle. Our short animated film Puddle Jumping explains how young children grieve and how adults can support them.

Normal behaviours may include becoming clingy, becoming quiet and withdrawn, having tantrums, experiencing separation anxiety, and pushing against expected boundaries in terms of behaviour. You may also notice changes in their toileting routines and learning with some children going backward in their toilet training for a while. Eating habits may also be affected with some children responding to anxiety by refusing to eat or eating less or more than they usually do. 

It can be helpful to speak to the child’s family about any behaviours you notice; check if these behaviours are repeated at home and work with the family to see if there are any strategies you can put in place to support the child. 

How can I help a child I am working with who is struggling with separation anxiety? 

It is not uncommon for some bereaved young children to struggle with separation anxiety after someone significant in their life has died. This can manifest in the child feeling distressed when separated from their parent or caregiver. 

It can be helpful to let the child know what is happening and when their parent will return,  being very specific and clear, for example by using a landmark in the day such as ‘lunch’ or ‘story time’ to help the child’s understanding. You might say: ‘Your mummy has gone to work now but she will come back and take you home after lunch’. 

You can help the child feel some sense of control over the situation by offering them options such as choosing what they would like to do when the child first arrives. For instance, would they like to join  other children at the table or sit and read a book  for a while first?  

Some young children find it comforting to have something with them that reminds them of their parent or caregiver, such as a soft toy or even a pocket toy they can squeeze or rub if they are missing their parent; their parent or carer might like to have one too as this can increase a child’s sense of connection. A photo in their bag can also help them feel connected with their parent or carer who is temporarily absent. 

A child I am working with is talking a lot about their bereavement. How should I react?

If possible, it can be helpful to speak to the bereaved child’s family about what the child knows and understands so that you can respond appropriately, in accordance with what the family is telling the child and their cultural and religious beliefs, if they have any. 

Children under five tend to ask a lot of questions and can be very direct. Sometimes children can be quite matter of fact and you may find it unsettling and wonder how to manage if a child in your care is telling everyone around them that their ‘sister is dead’. You may be tempted to change the subject but it can be helpful to answer in a direct way yourself and say ‘What was your sister’s name?’ or ‘How old was your sister when she died?’. If you are working with other children, this shows them that it's OK to talk about death and dying and tells the bereaved child that it's OK to talk about their special person who has died and that you are interested to hear about them. 

Do all grieving children need support?

Many bereaved children will get all the support they need from people already around them who they know and trust. However, some children may need additional support depending on their situation.

Because children aged under five tend to live in the moment, it is possible that they won’t benefit from attending a formal support session. They may not wish to be taken away from an interesting toy or activity to talk about their feelings and may not have the vocabulary to express how they are feeling. At Child Bereavement UK we tend to support parents to help them support their bereaved young child at home. 

How can keeping in communication with a grieving child’s family help me support them?

A grieving child’s family will know their child best and their insights and observations are important to help you understand how you can help provide support. By maintaining open communication with the child’s family you can also be aware of what the child knows and has been told and how the family speaks about death and dying to the child. 

Try to start any conversation about how the child is doing with something positive and then ask the parents if they have any concerns and any behaviours or issues they have noticed. Also ask them about any positive things they have noticed and any strategies they have used successfully with their child. You can then share your own observations and think together of ways in which you might be able to help the child cope with difficult feelings. 

Be aware that the parents may be sensitive to the fact that if the child is struggling, they may feel upset or hurt when you raise this, or they may not be aware that their child is struggling if certain behaviours are not manifesting at home. Try to finish the conversation on a positive note with a plan for strategies you and they can use together to support their child. 

You will also need to bear in mind that the family are likely to also be coping with their own grief which can be very challenging and it may be helpful to ask the family how they are coping and if they need any support. 

You may find it helpful to signpost parents to our resources for families who are parenting bereaved children.

What useful strategies can I use to support a grieving child?

Young children can often be helped to express their feelings through play, particularly if they don’t have the vocabulary to explain how they feel. Imaginative play can be a way for children to understand what has happened and to make sense of it.  

Adults can help even very young children to express their feelings through creative activities such as drawing and painting or making a worry monster together to talk about feelings. Visit our resource on activities for grieving children and young people for some ideas. 

How can I build my own confidence in supporting under fives?

You may find it helpful to look at our training for professionals on a range of topics for professionals working with bereaved children. You may also like to look at our list of useful books and resources. 

---

Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services.

You can also call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40, email [email protected], or use Live Chat on our website.