When someone important has died, special occasions can feel hard to manage. Birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and other times when families traditionally celebrate together such as Christmas, Hannukah, Diwali and Eid, can all highlight the painful fact that the person is not there, and how much you are missing them. There can be a strong sense that things can never be the same again, and the first Christmas, birthday or anniversary can be especially difficult.

It is not unusual for people to feel that they want to ‘cancel’ special occasions when they are bereaved. When everything is so family-focused, the gap in a family is highlighted even more. Families tell us that the run up to occasions like Christmas, Mother's Day or Father's Day - with all the build-up in the media and in the shops - can be harder to deal with than the actual day itself. You may not have the heart for present shopping, sending cards or festivities. 

There may also be dates that are important for you as an individual. There will also be days when you will miss your special person who would have been there, either physically or on the phone. For children this might be the last day of the school term, a date everyone went on a special holiday in the past, their own birthday and for adults a wedding anniversary or graduation day. These are all really important days and they can feel difficult both as they approach and on the day itself. 

What may help?

Birthdays and Christmas, and especially Richie’s birthday and the anniversary – they’re the dates that are the hardest. It's leading up to those dates that people think–what can we do? What are we going to do?

Roz

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Everyone grieves differently and you can take what you feel is helpful and relevant from these suggestions:

• Talk to your family or friends, and ask for specific support, if this is helpful. You might say: "I am going to find the day hard, and it would help me if you could..."

• Plan the day beforehand and perhaps include some time with others who would like to remember your special person, time for a quiet moment alone, or a way to remember the person. If you have children, involving them in making plans can help them to feel included.

• Do something in memory of the person who has died – it could be something the person enjoyed doing if possible, or something that helps you remember them. Ideas could include visiting a significant place, hanging a special decoration on a tree, cooking their favourite meal, ordering their favourite takeaway, buying their favourite flowers, listening to music, or lighting a candle in their memory. 

• Set aside a special place on that day in which to remember the person who died. You could light a candle, put a picture or photograph up, or place items that remind you of things you did on this day with them in the past. Family members can spend time alone or together in this place, taking a few moments to remember.   

• Keep to family traditions that you find comforting, but you could also make some new traditions. For example, create a new way to spend part of the day, take part in fun activities or do something creative. 

• Visit the grave or place where their ashes were scattered or buried if you find this comforting; afterwards you could go for a walk, take a picnic or go to a cafe to make it a special day.

• Write a letter to your special person.  If you have things you would like to tell them or say to them on special occasions, you could write it down. Either keep the letter in a safe place or rip it up, whatever feels right for you to do. There are no right or wrong feelings to have. If you want to write to them about how angry you are, that’s ok too. Ask family members or friends to write special messages or capture special memories and send them to you. You could keep them in a book or hang them up or stick them to a mirror or wall.  

• Recognise that special occasions are likely to be difficult and be gentle with yourself. It may feel important to be there for other family members, but make time for what you need, too. Grief is exhausting, especially in the early days, and can leave you with little energy for much else.

• If you have children, talk to your child’s school about any activities they do to mark an event such as Christmas or Mother’s Day, so that your child doesn’t feel excluded, and can be given a choice about participating. For example, if their mum has died, your child might choose to make a card to remember them or make a card for another family member.

• You could make a memory box containing things that belonged to or remind you of your special person such as photos, shells, lipstick or aftershave. You could add something to the box on a special day where you would normally share gifts.

• Planting something in memory of your special person can be a positive thing to do and if you have children, they can help. If you don’t have a garden you could maybe plant or buy some potted bulbs or a plant or have fresh flowers. Child Bereavement UK runs annual Snowdrop Walks in winter which are a lovely way to remember someone too.  

• Finally, give yourself permission to do something you might enjoy - this does not mean you are grieving any less. There is no time limit on grief, and the connection you have with the person will always be there, even at times when your grief feels more manageable.

There is no right or wrong way to manage a special occasion when you are grieving. What matters is that you are able to do what feels right for you and your family.

Tips for young people from other bereaved young people

• Too many feelings? Share them with someone you trust or write them down.

• Take your mind off it – watch TV, play on the PlayStation or go outside.

• Choose something that belonged to the person who died that you can treasure.

• Listen to music that you like or watch a good film.

• Create your own space: somewhere safe to go where you can have some time out.

• It is OK that sometimes you may want to talk about it and other times you may not want to.

• It is OK to be upset, and also to feel happy or enjoy fun things sometimes. 

• Spend time with friends, and any pets you have.

• Spend time with other family members and share memories of your special person.

• Write about or draw your thoughts, feelings and memories.

• Memory books or memory boxes can be helpful. Ask your family for their memories as well.

• Think about all of the good times you had with them.

• If you would like to talk to others, there are online message boards and forums for bereaved young people. Just reading other people’s stories can help you to see that you are not alone.

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