Jo, aged 22, was supported by Child Bereavement UK in Buckinghamshire after her sister Antonia died

I would definitely encourage someone to reach out to Child Bereavement UK - the support is impeccable and they can help you to understand that what you're going through is normal.

My older sister Antonia was involved in a road traffic accident in 2021 and she ended up passing away from health complications - it was traumatic for the whole family. I was at university when she died, an hour away from where my family live. The last time I saw her was when she was in hospital and we spoke on FaceTime. My mum asked me if I’d like to call her again but I was caught up in university work and completely forgot about the call. That was really difficult to deal with.

After my sister died, the university offered me the opportunity to postpone my exams and essay work because of mitigating circumstances and I took this up. I told them that I wasn't going to come into lectures for a bit and they were understanding but there wasn’t any formal support system in place for bereavement - it was more a general “if you want to talk we’re here.”

My parents drove up to my university to break the news and they asked me if I wanted to come home or stay at university and I said I wanted to stay. I literally turned off all the lights in my room and laid on my bed; “I didn’t know what to do with myself after hearing such earth-shattering news. Some of my friends came over to keep me company and a friend from my church invited me to stay with her, which was really helpful and meant I wasn’t alone.

A year and half after my sister died, I felt like I was OK and didn’t need support. But I thought I might also be complacent and not facing up to what had happened, so when my mum told me about Child Bereavement UK, I didn’t reject it. I decided to try it as a lot of people can fall into the trap of thinking that they're OK because time has passed, and they’re actually not OK, but it doesn't come up until way later because they haven't properly processed what happened. When I accepted the support, my thinking was that I didn’t want to become like that and that I wanted to understand what was happening, take the proper steps and move forward.

The first couple sessions were really painful because I hadn’t been able to talk to my mum much about what had happened as she was going through enough herself and I didn’t want her worrying about me, so I just felt I had to deal with things by myself. Looking back, I can see that I was just pushing it down and it would come up at particular moments, like waking up in the middle of the night or when I was going on holiday. One of my biggest fears around talking about it with my family and friends is that I’d kill the mood and make people feel like they had to take care of me. But my bereavement support practitioner was someone who wasn't part of the family who was trained to provide support and that really helped. I’m glad I had the support and didn’t just say no I’m fine because it helped in ways I didn’t expect.

It was good to hear that you don't just move on from what happened because that's not possible - it’s a matter of learning to live with it. 

One really helpful thing she showed was a grief model about growing around your grief, and that really helped me because one of the things I was anxious about was people encouraging me to move on and forget what happened. So it was good to hear that you don't just move on from what happened because that's not possible - it’s a matter of learning to live with it.

I think the reason people don't want to see it that way is that it makes them feel they’ve failed to make you happy again. But I’m never going to be the same person I was before - my sister passed away and she was part of who I was and she's not there anymore. It's like if you lose a leg in an accident - you can't just go back to being who you were before because you need to  learn to walk with your prosthetic and the prosthetic is the reminder that you did lose your leg and you're never going to have it again. But that doesn't mean you can't continue to walk.

We find ways to remember my sister, for instance talking about things that she liked and would like. For example, if a song comes on that she would really have liked, I add it to a playlist with some of her favourite songs from when she was  alive. We have folders of pictures and videos of her on our phone so that we make sure we don’t forget her and we hold on to them as not having memories would make everything worse.

I find writing helps too. The night my sister died, I immediately started writing a story about my grief - it was a way for me to dissociate. But I just love writing - it’s like a form of therapy. I really want to actually go forward with writing because I know that's what my sister would have wanted me to do.

Last year mum and I spent Christmas by ourselves, which I was really nervous about but we actually managed. It was fine - we played games that we used to play with my sister and watched movies, and it was good.

My advice to other grieving young people is to reach out for help. You have your family and your friends and you need to be with them, but I think what really helps is to be able to talk to somebody who's not in that circle; you can get all your feelings out and you won't realise how much you need that until you do it, particularly if you’re really stubborn about it as I was and think 'I’m fine, I can do this by myself'. But that’s when problems can start to emerge and you can start lashing out and getting angry and upset, and you won't understand that it's linked to the fact that you haven't properly processed your grief.

Talking to somebody was helpful although sometimes painful. Since having support, I feel that I’m in a way better place and I’m thankful. I would definitely encourage someone to reach out to Child Bereavement UK - the support is impeccable and they can help you to understand that what you're going through is normal.

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