Lauretta was supported by Child Bereavement UK in Buckinghamshire following the death of her son Otito, aged four. She talks about why she returned for further support eight years later. 

Think about what really matters to you and your family. If the water in the well suddenly goes without notice, it’s OK to take time for it to refill. 

I was originally supported by Child Bereavement UK after my son Otito died. I learned so much from my support and decided to train as a nurse. I was already supporting other parents at Great Ormond Street in the final year of his life and networking with other families. My practitioner was concerned that my grief might be too raw but actually it was the best thing I ever did as it allowed me to re-channel my energy positively and I found supporting other bereaved families was something I could do well. 

I came back to Child Bereavement UK for support because I suddenly found myself struggling with my grief after I had some health problems which resembled some of the health challenges my son had experienced. I was having flashbacks as if I was going through those first days of grief again and I felt a real fear of dying.

I contacted Child Bereavement UK again, which was one of the best things I could have done. The support I received helped me to see that what I was feeling was normal and that grief is a kind of a process that you experience throughout your life. I came to Child Bereavement UK at a time when I was really troubled by many things but my bereavement support practitioner was amazing - there was lots of listening, lots of mutual respect. 

I didn’t initially identify how I was feeling as grief but thought it was anxiety. I started to ask myself why I was worried about the medicines and why I wasn’t wanting to engage in my care; as I delved deeper, I realised it was grief. I often describe my grief like someone I put in a cupboard who sits there very calmly and then suddenly and unexpectedly pops out.

My bereavement support practitioner validated my feelings which was very good as I’d thought something was wrong with me. She would reassure me and, knowing I like research and evidence, would direct me to research information on Child Bereavement UK’s website.

My bereavement support practitioner validated my feelings which was very good as I’d thought something was wrong with me. She would reassure me and, knowing I like research and evidence, would direct me to research information on Child Bereavement UK’s website. It was quite enlightening to see that everything I was feeling was normal and that helped me to cope and engage better with my own care. 

She also helped me to reach out to my family in a more positive way; I always have this internal fear of pulling my whole family down because I'm usually the go-to, strong person in the whole family, not just the family here in England but also in Nigeria. 

For people of African origin, it can be a bit of a challenge to talk about your bereavement and people don't have the privilege of being able to just speak out about how they feel without judgement. In my community, the idea is that you have to let go, and that the person who has died will not rest if you keep talking about them and grieving - there are cultural and spiritual aspects that can be unintentionally unkind. Because child bereavement is the ‘wrong order’ - a parent is not supposed to bury the child - that creates stigma. Some can blame you, others can think that it will taint them and that their children may become unwell because yours did and they are linked to you. This can all result in you suffering in silence and alone because you have no one to share it with, even though you may know many people who have lost someone. 

I was worried about my surviving son Omali and how my feelings might impact him and my bereavement support practitioner suggested the need for a conversation with him to reassure him that I wasn't dying. I remember having that conversation and he said ‘Oh thank goodness’. I asked if he thought I was dying or that something was going to happen to me and he said yes. 

Speaking to him about something he was fearful about and seeing him reassured was really  valuable for me and for him. He’s now more able to support me and care for me because now he's not thinking that this is goodbye. He was only five when Otiti died and I can imagine that seeing me in and out of the hospital, and coming to sit with me in the hospital, must have been really scary for him.

The way I remember Otito is through the bereaved families I meet and help. My most rewarding work comes through my church; the priest says that when he has no clue how to help someone, he thinks about me. Always after these interactions I say a prayer and thank Otito for choosing me to be his mum because I would never be able to give some comfort or just sit in with people if I hadn’t had my journey with him. Sometimes I'm not even doing anything - I just share a space with someone or maybe just watch Netflix and moan about things with them. 

My advice to other parents is to give yourself time to think about what works for you in terms of support; I always believe that what works best is based on your history. If you are someone who would like to talk to someone, then look for that trusted person you can talk to. If you're someone who prefers professional support, maybe so that you share more without the worry of burdening others, then go for it. If you're someone who is reflective and would rather go on walks and think about things, then this is a moment to do whatever works for you. Be gentle with yourself and be selfish. 

What I like about Child Bereavement UK is that it’s all encompassing - it’s for the whole family and helps with different types of bereavement. To anyone else in the situation I was in when I came to Child Bereavement UK for the second time, I’d say it’s OK and normal to feel the way you do. I kept wondering if it was normal as I didn’t know that it was possible to go back into that level of deep sorrow again. I imagined that my feelings of grief would come and go, but to really stay down in my grief and relive it in such a raw way,  as if my bereavement happened last week, wasn’t something I’d expected.

My son’s death taught me that we are very fragile as humans, as strong as we might think we are. So be gentle, protect your own time and practice self-care. Think about what really matters to you and your family. If the water in the well suddenly goes without notice, it’s OK to take time for it to refill. 

Pictured: Lauretta with her son Otito

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