Lisa was supported by Child Bereavement UK in Cumbria after her daughter Lana died aged 19 as the result of injuries sustained in a road traffic accident.

If I’m asked how many children I have, I  always say two - an older son and a daughter who will be forever nineteen.

I found out about Child Bereavement UK through my own research. The police gave me information about other support organisations, but my gut instinct was that they weren’t for me. I searched the internet and Child Bereavement UK popped up - I thought the charity sounded down to earth and right for me.

I knew that nobody could take the pain away, but I had to do something to help myself. Child Bereavement UK offered me monthly sessions via Zoom where I talked to a bereavement support practitioner - it wasn’t necessarily always about Lana and quite often was about work as I was having a difficult time. 

I didn't receive any sick pay from my work as I have only been in the position three months; I had to go back to work eight weeks after Lana died. We never expected that we'd have to pay nearly £8,000 for the funeral, it just hadn’t entered my thoughts at all. There was no government support for us either as, although Lana was in full-time education, she was 19.

So, I was forced to go back to work sooner than I was ready to. I was working afternoons and it was really difficult because I’d sit waiting all morning to go to work at 2.30pm, just thinking about what I had to do. Anyone who has been bereaved will know that one of the hardest things is getting up and getting out of bed; I had to do that and then get ready to go to work. It just wasn’t working for me, I ended up leaving for a short time, returning a couple of months later on more suitable hours.

All this was going on while I was trying to grieve for Lana and get my head around what had just happened. The bereavement support practitioner was brilliant - she was someone to whom I could sound off and she reassured me that I wasn’t daft or doing anything wrong.  

As time went on there was a post-mortem, a police investigation and a court case and throughout my practitioner was really supportive. I don't think that we started grieving probably until much later because the investigation became our focus.

 As the support went on, I felt as though I was starting to answer my own questions and that was because I had somebody with whom I could talk it through. 

I have quite a strong spiritual faith and my practitioner didn't dismiss it or say it was silly but instead took it on board and wanted to hear more, recognising it as one of my tools. I am a reiki practitioner and I needed somebody that understood and wasn't going to judge me. As the support went on, I felt as though I was starting to answer my own questions and that was because I had somebody with whom I could talk it through.

Every day is still difficult, yet you hear words of wisdom from people such as, 'time’s a great healer’. No, it's not. There’s no healing from losing a child, just learning live a new life that you didn’t ask for or want.

We’re into the fourth year since Lana died and I knew it was going to be the one of the toughest. I think the first couple years I thought, ‘she's just on holiday or whatever and it's not real’; I don't think it will ever feel real. However, I think you start making adjustments; you get up and go to work, you function for short spaces of time. I get up and put my makeup on and that’s me putting a mask on, doing what I have to do. But then you come home and the reality hits, but you somehow just do it, until it becomes a new normal, a new routine.

We find ways to remember Lana now. After she died, I got her phone back and I knew the codes for it as we didn’t have many secrets. Her memories come up on her Snapchat so I can watch those; it makes her feel real and alive again. I'm very close to her best friend and we go out together and my husband and I visit Lana’s grave every day if we can; my husband made her a promise that he would visit her every day, as he saw her every day when she was alive.

Lana’s friend Caitlin and her mum are now fundraising for Child Bereavement UK in Lana’s memory. They are taking on the Great North Run and asked me which charity I would prefer them to fundraise for. I said Child Bereavement UK as I wanted to give back not only to Child Bereavement UK but also to acknowledge the support I had from my practitioner. I like the fact that the charity isn’t just for bereaved parents but supports bereaved children, siblings and their families. Lana would have absolutely loved that. 

My advice to anyone else who is bereaved is to do what you want to do and what you feel is right, not what other people say you should do.

My advice to anyone else who is bereaved is to do what you want to do and what you feel is right, not what other people say you should do. If you want to sit and cry in a corner for a couple of hours, do that because I guarantee that you will feel better after it. If you want to go out for a walk, go and do it. If you want to throw yourself into work, do it. Just do whatever feels right for you, there’s definitely no instruction manual for the loss of your child.

With the best will in the world, nobody can give any answers, not even somebody who has been in your position. Yes, they can understand but your child was unique to you and you had a unique relationship with your child. Everybody's experience will be completely different.

I think it's finding the right fit for each person. I found it really helpful to talk about Lana, not just to my practitioner but to everyone; for me it’s a must, I need to keep her alive. I firmly believe in the importance of talking - the key is finding out what that looks like for the individual. For my husband it wasn’t formal support for him, but the knowledge and support I gained from Child Bereavement UK helped me support him and my son. 

If you know someone who is bereaved, do say the name of the person who has died.  I’ve had people cross to the other side of the street on seeing me and I understand it's just because they don't know what to say. People say, ‘Well, I don't want to upset you more’, but my answer is you cannot upset me any more than I am already. 

If I’m in a group and they're talking about their children, I always include my children, it comforts me to say her name, but I know that wouldn’t be right for everyone. If I’m asked how many children I have, I always say two - an older son and a daughter who will be forever nineteen.

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