How your child’s return to school is managed is very important in helping them settle back in with the least possible anxiety and stress.

Going back to school after someone important has died can be difficult for a child or young person. Teachers and school staff have an important part to play in helping a bereaved child return to school and supporting a child or young person who is grieving. 

School provides a familiar routine in a child’s life. Many children and young people who have been bereaved find returning to school comforting, even quite soon after someone has died, because it shows that some things are reliable and stay the same – even if so much else is changing. 

Other children and young people may find it difficult to go back to school and will need a more gradual return. If a child stays away from school for a long time, it can be harder for them to go back to school, and it may be harder for them to pick up their friendships. This in turn may make a child feel more isolated and alone.

When should my child return to school?

There are many things to consider when deciding when the child should return to school after a bereavement, including how the child feels about school, what stage they are at, what exams or events are coming up, and what effect it would have if they stayed off school for a long time. 

Where possible, it can be helpful to include your child in the decision about when they go back to school, as well as discussing this openly with the school.  

Every person’s grief is unique, and everyone will have different responses and reactions to bereavement, therefore, it isn’t possible to give a categorical ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. However, here are a number of things to think about as you make the decision that is right for your family. 

Considerations may include how your child feels about school. For some children, school provides a familiar, routine part of their lives. Many children who have been bereaved find school a place of consistency and reliability when life at home may be unsettled. Soon after a bereavement, so much can be happening at home, for example, funeral arrangements being made and many visitors dropping by to offer support. Children may appreciate the distraction of being in school with their friends, their teacher and all the comfort of a routine. Other children may want to be at home and involved in all these important discussions about the person who has died and may find being at school during this time a source of anxiety.  

For those who find school more challenging or already experience issues with friendships, for example, it may feel overwhelming to return too quickly. They may be concerned about breaking down in front of people, having to draw attention to themselves if needing to leave a lesson for support or being unable to focus or contribute to lessons as they usually do. 

How can what's happening at school affect my child's return?

The decision as to whether your child wants to return to school may be influenced by a number of factors around what is happening at school, including:

Exams: Is your child about to take exams that need additional learning at school, for example GCSEs or A levels? Remember that even public exams can be re-taken at a later date. It may be helpful to discuss options with the school together. 

Special occasions: Is there an event that the child has been anticipating, for example, a school concert, school trip or sports competition? It may affect their initial response to the bereavement if it is also the cause of missing a longed-for event. 

Transitions: Is your child leaving their current school or are they approaching a time of transition away from their present school, for example, the end of junior or secondary school? These can be especially important for children as a positive ending or a positive moving forward, with or without their friends, as they leave behind the familiarity of school surroundings and teachers they may have known and trusted for years. When a child has had to process such a major ‘goodbye’ to someone special to them, it is important to manage other ‘goodbyes’ as gently as possible.

Starting a new school: Is your child approaching a transition to a new school, for example starting school for the first time or starting secondary school? Bereavement can happen at any time and sometimes during the summer holidays. It can feel very daunting to start a new school as ‘the child who’s relative died in the holidays,’ however, it is even harder to start two weeks later when everyone else has worked out their way around the new building and started making new friends. 

What might happen if my child stays off school for a prolonged period?

If a child stays away from school for a long time, it can be harder for them to return and may be harder for them to pick up their friendships. This, in turn, may make a child feel sadly more isolated and alone.  

Quite apart from missing out on schoolwork, it can be harder to navigate the separation from the rest of the family if being at home has become the normal.  

Most schools will be understanding about an absence following the death of someone close. They can also help make the return to school as stress-free as possible. It may be that a part-time return could happen if this feels helpful, maybe going back in for mornings for the first week, or the school might have other ideas about how to ease the child back into the everyday school routine again.

How can I help my child return to school?

Involve your child in the decision about when to go back to school: Some children will want to return to school quickly while others will need a more gradual return to school. It’s important to include your child in any decisions about when they go back to school. Talk to them to understand how they feel about going back to school and what things might help them to return. You can then speak to the school to make sure any support needed is in place.

Help your child feel less anxious about separation from you: When we are grieving, we often want to be close to those who we feel safe and secure with. For a child, this could mean that they are nervous about going to school and being separated from their family. If the child is anxious about being separated from you, there are several ways you can help. You could plan some fun things to do together when you pick them up from school. The child could take a small item with them to school which reminds them of home or is comforting to look at. 

Think about how to answer difficult questions: Your child will probably have to answer questions about what has happened. Whether this is soon after they go back to school or maybe some time after if they move to a new school or get a new teacher or classmate. Questions could be ‘What happened to your mum?’, ‘How many siblings do you have?’ or ‘Is your dad picking you up from school?’ It can help to think about how to answer these, so they aren’t taken by surprise.

Plan how they can cope with bad days:  It’s not just the first day back at school that can be difficult for children and young people. Their grief may surface at any time – it could be doing activities for Mother’s or Father’s Day, a science lesson covering cancer or an argument with their friends. Helping the child to think in advance how they can manage school on a bad day can really help. Is there someone they can go and speak to, maybe a teacher or school nurse? Is there a supportive friend who they could turn to? Could they call or text you at lunchtime? Or you could use our First Aid kit. 

Speak to your child's school: Before your child goes back, speak to your child's teacher and any other staff who interact with your child. Give as much information as you can to the school; they will treat it confidentially. 

Tell the school what your child knows: It’s important that the school understands what your child knows about the death and also who else knows. It may be that other children have heard about the death if it’s been in the media or is known about in the community. This is particularly important if the death was traumatic or the cause of death has not been determined.

Tell your child you have spoken to their school: Tell your child that you have spoken to the school. Reassure your child that they are not being talked about, but that other people need to know because they care and want to help them.    

Come in early on the first day: On the first day back to school, try to come in early so that you can avoid being part of the crowd outside the school. This also gives you a chance to discuss any concerns with the teacher.  

Keep in touch with school: On your child’s first day back, it can be useful to ask the school to give you a call part way through the day. They can tell you how your child is getting on (they may behave differently at school than at home) and share any good things that have happened.  

Keep the school informed as time goes on: Let the school know if there are any changes to any circumstances at home, or if your child seems to be struggling more than usual. This way, they can keep a lookout for any changes in behaviour as well as be understanding of your child’s circumstances.

Don't expect too much: Let your child ease back into school work and don’t expect too much from them in terms of homework. Liaise with your child’s teacher about setting short-term, achievable targets.

Going back to school after someone has died can be difficult for everyone. For more guidance on how to help your child and get the best possible support from your child’s school, contact our Helpline.

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