Adolescence is a time of great change, challenge and uncertainty; dealing with a death on top of this can feel overwhelming. Teenage years are a challenging time, full of hormonal changes, working out who you are, building independence, testing boundaries and taking risks, even without navigating grief. The additional challenges this brings can be daunting for both the young person and the adults supporting them.

The death of a parent, sibling or other important person is a devastating experience for any young person and often adults don’t know what to say or how to support them. Young people we have supported have told us that when someone important in their life has died, they often feel misunderstood by friends and the adults around them, and consequently they can feel alone in their grief. 

If you are caring for a bereaved teenager, this can be a worrying time, and it can be difficult to know what to say or do to help support them. Here is some guidance on how you can support a grieving teenager. 

Remember grieving is normal

Grief is a normal response to the death of someone important to you. This might mean the death of a parent, grandparent or sibling or other family member, a friend, a teacher, or even someone they barely knew like a celebrity they admired. Most young people will not need professional help and will find the support they need from family, friends and school. However, if the intensity of their grief endures and becomes debilitating in the long term, they may need some additional support. Some young people may benefit from a more in-depth approach with bereavement support to meet their specific needs.

Grief does not go away completely, but with timely and appropriate support, a young person can find ways to cope so that their grief becomes a manageable part of their life. If grief is preventing them from engaging with normal life, do not hesitate to support them in asking for help. See our resource for more on children’s understanding of death at different ages and stages of development. You may also find it helpful to view a teenage guide to coping when someone dies which features advice from young people we have supported. 

How do teenagers show their grief?

All young people are individual, and everyone’s grief is unique. Some young people may be more open to talk, share and be receptive to support. Other young people may find it difficult to openly grieve by talking about their feelings or about the person that has died. Grief can feel very confusing and if this their first experience of grief they may struggle with being able to make sense of it and to explain it to others.  For adults supporting them, it can be difficult to identify what are normal developmental stages during the teenage years and what might be related to their grief.  

Lots of bereaved young people are looking for a place to feel seen and heard, and to relate to other young people.

Confiding in their friends: Young people’s friends become so much more important to them during their adolescence, and they often start to break away from talking to parents or carers and start sharing everything with their friends. Ensuring that they have space and time to see friends is important, whilst giving them time and opportunities to open up to their trusted adults as well. 

Avoiding their friends: Some young people may withdraw from their friends, as they now perceive themselves as different and that their friends don’t understand. This can feel like another loss that they experience, and they may need help to manage. 

Wondering ‘what’s the point?’: During their teenage years, young people are starting to question the meaning of life and the afterlife. The death of someone important can cause them to reflect more on this or consider ‘what’s the point?’ Exploring their thoughts and validating their feelings is important. It can also help them to know that this is a very normal feeling of grief. 

Caring for the rest of the family: Sometimes, teenagers take on the protective role in the family, feeling that it is their job to step up to care for everyone, this can be a role that they take on themselves or it may be an expectation that is given by others around them. Yes, teenagers can benefit from helping out, but this needs to be balanced with what they can manage emotionally.

You might be able to reassure them and let them know that it’s not their job to support everyone else’s grief. They also need time to grieve and express their feelings, be supported by others and have time out. 

Being unconcerned about everyone else: Some teenagers can almost appear uninterested and unconcerned by other people’s grief, and this can feel very hurtful and challenging to manage. However, it’s important to understand that this can be a very normal reaction to most things because some teenagers often struggle with empathy. 

Recognising that they too are finding the emotions just too big to take on themselves, let alone others’ feelings, can diffuse the frustrations and feelings this can raise. 

How can I help my teenager understand that everyone grieves differently?

The way in which your teenager is expressing their grief may not be what you expect. The strength of some of their reactions may concern or surprise you; some teenagers may start to worry unduly about their own mortality or that others around them are going to die.

For many, it will be their first experience of bereavement and whether the death was expected or not, young people are likely to experience confusion and shock. It’s also not untypical for teenagers to feel numb initially then have a delayed reaction with emotions emerging later. 

Everyone will have had their own individual relationship with the person who died, and each person’s response will be unique to them. One teenager told us: “I acted completely different from my brother because I was much more angry whereas he was more quiet.” 

If a teenager’s relationship with someone who has died was difficult or they had mixed feelings towards them, it can add additional complexity to their grief. 

It can help a teenager to understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is important that they don’t feel under pressure to feel a certain way or to follow how others are responding, or to do what they feel is expected of them by others.   

How can I help my teenager cope with difficult feelings?

Teenagers who are grieving can feel completely overwhelmed by powerful feelings and emotions that they do not understand or expect, which may be worrying for them and for you. 

Anger: Anger is a common response to grief. A young person may experience angry outbursts at school or home and may feel at a loss as to what to do with their anger and even be frightened by it. Often powerless to control it, the pressure can build, sometimes manifesting in challenging or extreme behaviour. This can be very difficult for the young person and their family to deal with. Guy, aged 17, said: "I feel very angry at no one in particular, just anger." 

It can help to tell a young person that it’s normal and OK to feel angry but that they need to express it in a way that is safe for themselves and other people. For example, they could do something energetic to let off steam or find a quiet space to help them calm down. Our animated film Volcano explains ways in which a young person can learn to cope with difficult emotions.  

Apathy: Sometimes young people who are grieving can become apathetic and withdrawn and develop a ‘What’s the point?’ attitude. Dealing with a death at this age can add to what can already be a difficult time when teenagers are questioning their own identity and place in the world. Others on the other hand might throw themselves into schoolwork or hobbies as a means to distract themselves from their grief. If you are concerned about how they are responding or it feels extreme for your child or, for instance, it becomes a block for them in their academic, work or social life in the longer term, then it is important to seek support from a professional.

Guilt: It’s not uncommon for some teenagers to feel guilt about the person who has died or in some cases even to blame themselves for the death. It may be that they didn’t like the person who died, or they regret something they did or said, or did or didn’t say. It is important to acknowledge how they feel whilst reassuring them that it is not their fault and that their difficult or confusing feelings are a normal reaction to grief. It can be helpful to encourage them to talk to someone about how they feel. 

Feeling low: Looking after their physical health can also help, for instance getting some fresh air and exercise – even walking – is a natural way of boosting energy levels and mood. For advice from bereaved young people we have supported on things that can help when you are grieving, visit our A-Z of bereavement support tips. 

How can I help my teenager cope with the physical impact of grief?

Grief often manifests itself physically; a bereaved teenager may go off their food, have disrupted sleep and become tired or irritable. They may also find it difficult to concentrate at school, college, university or work. Let them know that this is a common response and will pass in time. In the meantime, try to encourage a healthy diet and regular sleep patterns. For guidance, view our resource on looking after yourself when someone important to you has died and see our A-Z of bereavement support tips from young people.  

How can I cope with challenging behaviour?

Some teenagers may try to block the pain and avoid thinking about their loss by creating distractions, such as through a hectic social life. Whilst it’s OK for them to have fun, which can be a positive thing to help them cope with the pressure of bereavement, some teenagers might start engaging in risk-taking, anti-social or other challenging behaviour as a way for them to feel like they are taking control when their world feels out of control. If you are concerned about your teenager, it is important to talk to your teenager about your concerns. You might say: 

“I am worried about you. You have stayed out very late at night without letting me know where you were and are drinking much more than you used to. Let’s think together about what might help.”

Involving them in decisions that can affect a teenager can help them feel more in control and to realise that you have noticed and care.

Try to keep the usual expectations around behaviour. When a young person’s world has been turned upside down, keeping their familiar boundaries will help them to feel safe and have some sense of normal life continuing, even when life feels very far from normal. 

How can I help my teenager build resilience?

Bereaved young people can experience feelings of low self-worth and a lack of self-esteem. However, some bereaved young people we have supported at Child Bereavement UK have been able to develop a maturity beyond their years, a determination to do well in their endeavours, a greater appreciation of the value of life, and more empathy and sensitivity than some of their peers. These are very positive qualities to point out to a young person who is struggling. See our resource for more on building resilience in a bereaved young person. 

How can I support my teenager with school, college / university, and work?

For some young people it can be comforting to get back to school, college / university or work as soon as possible, finding the routine and familiarity helpful. Others may need more time. Be led by your teenager and encourage them or help them to tell their teachers, professors or employer what has happened and how they are feeling. This will help others to understand why the young person might be upset or quiet, or if they need help managing their workload. You may find it helpful to share our resources for education professionals with your teenager's school, college or university. 

How can my teenager manage their relationships with friends?

Friends can be supportive but can also sometimes be a source of distress, tension and upset. Insensitive remarks or even deliberately unhelpful comments are sadly not unusual. Friends may become aware of their own losses or inability to handle the situation, and may withdraw their friendship or distance themselves. Bereaved teenagers can feel that friends just don’t understand, and struggle to deal with their social groups, making them feel isolated and misunderstood. One young person told us "I lost friends simply because they did not know what to say or do." 

It can help to explain to your teenager that sometimes people don’t know what to say and that while it is hurtful, it may be that they don’t intend to be unkind. Help your teenager to understand that our friends can’t always be everything we need them to be all the time and it’s normal to go to different people for different things –  one friend might be helpful if you just need to have fun and do something relaxing like playing computer games, for instance, while another may be the person you go to if you need to talk about your special person who has died.  

If your teenager is struggling at school, college or university, it may be helpful to let their school know what is happening as they may be able to put support in place. Education professionals may find our resources for the education sector useful. If your teenager is working, see our guidance for employers.

How can I encourage my teenager to talk?

Encourage your young person to talk about their feelings and any worries they have. Teenagers can be resistant to conversations with parents at the best of times, however, what is important is that you offer this opportunity to them on a regular basis. This is a careful balance of not bringing this up constantly but not shying away from it either. There are other ways to communicate other than talking, this could be by sending a message, writing a note, or spending some time together doing something they enjoy.  

Some young people find it easier to talk about their grief when taking part in an activity such as going on a walk, taking part in a craft activity, cooking together, or on a car journey where they don’t have to be face to face. Try to be patient and not force them to talk as a young person will often start to share their feelings when they’re ready if they know you want to hear and will listen to what they are saying. 

What may happen is that your teenager comes to you at the most unexpected or inconvenient time. However, if you feel you can, try to grab the opportunity because it may not come along again. It may mean being late for school or late to bed, but these will be outweighed hugely by them opening up to you and expressing their grief. 

Many young people find it difficult to talk to their immediate family. This can feel hurtful for adults who are trying their best to offer support and comfort, but try to remember that teenagers can be very protective of those who are close to them. They may be worried about causing further distress to family members, especially if you are grieving too, and may prefer to speak to someone of their own age group, or other adults they trust such as a teacher. Talking to an experienced professional online such as via Child Bereavement UK’s Live Chat via our website can offer a safe and anonymous way to share experiences and feel less alone.

You can help them identify someone they might be happy to speak to. You might say: 

“It can be really hard having all these confusing feelings and it can help to share them with someone. Is there anyone you can think of that you might be happy to talk to about how you feel? Or would you like me to find someone?”

Many young people find it beneficial to talk to other bereaved young people who are a similar age to them and have had similar experiences. Our groups for young people are facilitated groups for bereaved young people between the ages of 11 and 25 to meet for social activities and to work on creative projects together. You can call our Helpline to find out how you might access a group after an initial appointment.

How can I talk to my teenager about death?

It’s important to give teenagers clear and honest information about the death and to answer their questions. This information might be given in smaller pieces, over a period of time, to help them to make sense of the details of what has happened, especially if the death was unexpected or is through murder or suicide. 

Let your teenagers know that any question is okay to ask, even if they fear it may upset you. Be honest with them when you have not got the details to answer their question, you can do this by saying: 

‘I don’t know the answer for that right now, but when I find out I will come back to you.’ 

Help them to understand that ‘the worst has already happened’ and talking about it cannot make this worse for you. In fact, it would help you if you knew that they would talk with you when they needed to. Knowing this, they may be more likely to share their concerns and thoughts, rather than holding them in or looking elsewhere for answers. 

How can I get support?

Young people do not like to feel pressured into expressing their emotions; it can feel too painful and make them feel vulnerable. They may worry about being upset in front of you when you might also be upset yourself. One young person said: "It’s hard to talk to your parents about who died in case you cry and make them cry."

They can find it difficult to talk to their parents and might prefer to talk to their friends. However, sometimes friends may be sympathetic but find it hard to really understand what their bereaved friend is feeling. One young person told us: "I tried to talk to various people, but I couldn’t relate to anyone." See the sections above about managing relationships with friends, encouraging your teenager to talk, and accessing our groups for young people.

A range of emotional responses in a teenager to the death of someone close to them is not unusual, but if you are worried about their behaviour or think their responses are potentially harmful, it is important to get some help.

Try to offer a young person options for support so they can decide which they might like to try. You can gently remind them of adults other than immediate family who they could talk to if they wish. You could also suggest they have a look at Child Bereavement UK’s films and our resources on support for bereaved young people.

If the young person you are supporting rejects your suggestions, continue to let them know that you will be there to listen when they are ready. A consistent, but discreet presence can make it easier for a stressed teenager to accept some help without feeling pressured.

Trying to support a grieving teenager can be challenging, especially if you are dealing with your own grief and the strain of this cannot be underestimated. See our resource on looking after yourself when someone has died for some suggestions. You can call our Helpline for guidance in parenting your bereaved child and remember we also have a Live Chat function on our website which can be helpful for you or young people to access.

See our support and guidance for teenagers created by other young people, or visit Talk Grief our dedicated online space for grieving teenagers and young adults aged (13 to 25). 

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You can also call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40, email [email protected], or use Live Chat on our website.