Steve was supported by Child Bereavement UK in Leeds, in partnership with Elliot's Footprint, after his daughter Matilda died unexpectedly aged 11. 

My advice to any grieving parent or family member is to realise that people grieve differently, be kind to yourself and realise it’s okay to not be okay. 

At 44 years old I had been very fortunate not to have experienced bereavement of my immediate family, therefore I had never heard of Child Bereavement UK or Elliot's Footprint. However, when our beautiful daughter Matilda unexpectedly passed away from an undiagnosed heart condition, they both supported our family in ways we never thought possible.

At only 11 years old Matilda was full of life, an active child who had immense compassion and love for her friends and family. As with any sudden death of a child, the massive hole left after is something no one can ever describe, those immediate days after coming home from the hospital without our little girl, were just a blur of us surviving.

My wife and eldest daughter were the first to have one-on-one support from our Bereavement Support Practitioner from Child Bereavement UK, whose position is funded in partnership with Elliot’s Footprint. I wasn’t ready to start that journey as I was scared that once I started, I wouldn’t be able to put the lid back on my grief and I needed to focus on my work. I didn’t know if this was a healthy approach or not, but I just needed to keep busy.

The first three months after Matilda passed away were just terrible, full of some of the worst conversations, paperwork and admin that no one really prepares you for; tasks that should never have to be experienced by any parent.

With my work settling down, I knew the time had come to start speaking to the Bereavement Support Practitioner, I was still scared that I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions once I started sharing them, but I also knew that to be the best person I could for my family, I needed to start to process my grief.

Our first session was me, just doing a massive brain dump, offloading everything that had happened, the challenges we faced and were likely to face in the coming months. Our Bereavement Support Practitioner helped me to ‘sit with the grief’, give myself a moment to cry, but to then allow myself to step out, so I could continue with my day.

For the first year, every anniversary, birthday or special day will be the worst imaginable, but we still celebrate them. We still laugh, we still enjoy family time as we did before, this is not me ignoring what has happened but realising that Matilda would never have wanted us to be sad, she would have said ‘Sorry Pappa’ for leaving so early, but she wouldn’t want us to be sad.

Since that day, we have focused on creating a legacy for Matilda, raising money for charities that meant something to her, telling our story and the dreams Matilda had. This has been cathartic, helping us to keep Matilda alive, even if it’s just by people saying her name.

Something I heard recently helps me to understand why it still hurts so much - “our grief is the undeclared love for those who have passed”. Matilda is usually my first and last thought of the day, sometimes those memories make me happy, sometimes sad, but I still welcome them either way as it feels like she is still with me.

My advice to any grieving parent or family member is to realise that people grieve differently, be kind to yourself and realise it’s okay to not be okay. Say their name at least once a day, talk about their passions, tell funny stories about them, reminisce and celebrate their lives, no matter how short, with those who knew them best or total strangers. 

Since that first session, I have learned many ways to handle my grief; it isn’t any easier than those first few days, it is just less overwhelming and as the weeks, turned to months and we came round to the 1st angelversary, I knew I could cope, thanks to the support from Child Bereavement UK and Elliot’s Footprint.

Picture above: Steve and his wife Anna. 

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