Being curious about death and dying is a normal part of growing up for most children. How they respond to the subject of death will be influenced by their age and understanding. Whether they have been bereaved or not, most children are likely to have questions and concerns. For some children these concerns may be overwhelming and they may worry that someone they know will die, or they may be curious about the process of death and worry about what happens after someone has died.

For most children, an honest and open conversation in age-appropriate language can help them cope with their fears, but in a few cases fear of death can become overwhelming and may need professional support.

If you are supporting a child where the child, their parent or brother or sister or another family member is not expected to live, questions about death and dying can be particularly difficult and upsetting. If a child is asking, then it usually means they’re ready to hear an answer to this question. See our resources on supporting a child when their parent is not expected to live and for parents when their child is not expected to live for more guidance. 

Why is my child anxious about death and dying?

There are many reasons that a child may feel anxious about death and dying. For some children it may be that they have experienced a death in their family and that everything that felt safe, normal and predictable has been turned upside down. This can be the case even if the death was not of someone close to the child.

Others may be anxious because they know someone else who has been bereaved, have heard about someone famous who has died, or have seen depictions of death in the media that they have found frightening (see our resource for more on supporting a child after a frightening event). In some cases, children may be confused around cultural ideas about death while for some their anxiety may not be connected with death or dying at all, but is the result of other worries.

Let your child know that their feelings are valid

It’s important to let your child know that their worries are normal and aren’t silly or wrong. Let them know that it’s natural to think about death and dying sometimes and to wonder and be worried. If it's the case you could also say that you have had similar thoughts and worries yourself. Say that you take their concerns seriously and that you are glad that they told you about them.

You might say: 'It’s very brave of you to tell me that you’re worried. It’s normal to have questions about death and dying sometimes and the best thing is to talk about your feelings with someone.'

If your child has been bereaved you might say: 'I understand that you are worried because Grandma died and that’s very normal - it’s good that we can talk about it.'

Check your child’s understanding and feelings

If your child says they are worried about death and dying, check their understanding about death as this will help you gauge what they know. It will also help you to answer the questions they have and avoid providing information they don’t need or for which they are not ready.

It can also be helpful to find out how the worry makes your child feel. You might say: ‘I’m glad you’re telling me that you are worried about death and dying - it’s good that you’ve shared that with me. Can you tell me how it makes you feel?'

Be aware that a child’s emotions can often be expressed as physical symptoms. If a child finds it hard to express how they feel, it might be helpful to draw an outline of their body with them and ask them to say where on their body they feel different or funny, e.g. do they have butterflies in their tummy?

An initial conversation may also help you to understand where the concern stems from, for instance an overheard conversation or something they saw on TV or social media or learned at school.

Answering your child’s questions

When your child asks questions, say to them: 'That is a good question', praising them and telling them how brave they are for sharing their worries with you. Tell your child that you will try your best to answer their questions and, if there is anything you don’t know, you will try and find out.

Answer their question with a question so that you can ensure you know what they understand. If they say 'what happens when you die?' you might say 'what do you think happens when you die?'

If your family has religious or cultural traditions and understandings around death and dying, asking your child what they think can be useful in helping you to understand what they know and if they have any misconceptions or are confused about anything.

Try to use concrete language like 'dead' and 'death' rather than euphemisms like 'passed away' and 'gone to sleep' which can add to a child’s confusion and worry.

Here are some questions your child might ask and some suggestions for things to say:

Why do people die?  Explain to your child that all living things die and use examples from nature such as a dead bird or insect you might see on a walk or a plant that has died. You might say: "Mostly people die when they are old and have lived for a long time but sometimes people die when they are unwell or they get hurt. It is rare, but sometimes young people die and that is very sad but usually people die when they are old, which is sad too."

What happens when someone dies? Try to explain what happens when someone dies in a factual way avoiding euphemisms which can be confusing for a child. See our resource on telling a child that someone has died for further guidance.  For an older child you might say: "When somebody dies their body stops working. A dead body does not breathe because their lungs are no longer working and the heart has stopped. A dead body cannot move, it will be quiet and still. A dead body cannot feel anything so there will be no pain." Younger children aged under five find it hard to grasp the difference between being dead and being alive. You might say: "Because their body has stopped working, dead people do not need anything to eat or to drink and they cannot feel the cold. Dead people stay dead forever; much as we might like them to, they cannot come back to life." Using examples from nature can help a child understand what being dead means. It is likely your child has seen dead flowers, dead insects or even dead birds, or maybe a pet they know has died. You could compare a dead bird, for instance, to a live bird. Ask them how they think they are different? Maybe the dead bird doesn’t move or fly anymore? Explain that it is because the bird’s body isn’t working anymore because it is dead. It can’t eat, sing or move anymore, and it can’t feel anything. Explain that it’s the same when a person dies - they also don’t eat, speak or move around and they can’t feel anything.

Will you die? Explain that all living things die one day but reassure your child that you are not going to die soon. You might say: "Everybody dies one day so one day I will die, but I am hoping to live for a long time and be here to look after you. That’s why I look after my body by eating healthy food, exercising and going to the doctor when I’m feeling ill. If you are ever worried about me dying, let me know and we can talk about it."

Will I die? If your child asks if they will die, you might say: "Everybody dies one day but usually when they are old. While we are alive, we look after our bodies by eating healthy food, exercising and seeing the doctor if we are poorly. This helps us to live for as long as possible. If you are ever worried about dying, let me know and we can talk about it."

When someone dies is it like in a game or in a film? You might say: "Films and games often make death and dying look really scary because they need to be dramatic so people will watch them. Often it is shown in a very violent way. But in real life, death isn’t very often like that. If you’re ever worried about something you’ve seen on a film, in a game, TV, social media or even in a book, come and talk to me about it."

What happens at a funeral? Unless they have been to a funeral or have been aware of the death of someone they know, most children will not have much knowledge of what happens at a funeral. What they do know may come from overheard conversations or depictions in films, TV dramas and the media, which can be frightening or misleading. See our resource on explaining a funeral to a child for more information. You might also find it helpful to watch our short animations for children that explain what happens at a burial and what happens at a cremation.

Encourage your child to do things they enjoy

While it’s important to talk to your child about their feelings and let them know that they are normal, it’s also important to encourage your child not to dwell for too long on negative feelings but to find things that can distract them and make them feel happy. You might say:

"It’s really good that we have had this conversation but sometimes if you spend too long thinking about difficult things, it can start to feel quite heavy and it's a good idea to go and do something different and fun."

Younger children in particular cannot sit with difficult feelings for too long and tend to jump in and out of difficult or sad feelings, for instance one moment being sad and the next playing happily. Watch our animated film Puddle Jumping for more on how young children cope with sad feelings.

Encourage your child to do things they enjoy and that are good for their wellbeing, such as playing with friends, walking in nature, and listening to music. Or perhaps they might like to do something creative like drawing, writing or baking. Have a look at our A-Z of tips from young people we have supported on things that help them.

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