I was holding on to a lot of grief and focusing on the sadness but not letting it out. Child Bereavement UK gave me the space to share things with Vicky. I can now wear the identity of a bereaved parent rather than hide it. Now I say I'm a husband, a father and a bereaved father - it's just who I am. 

- John, whose baby daughter was stillborn

We know from bereaved fathers we support at Child Bereavement UK that men can often feel pressure to bottle up their feelings, to put on a brave face or focus on work or taking care of practical concerns. Often men can feel overlooked, particularly when a baby dies, when the focus is understandably on the mother as a medical priority. These factors can sometimes mean that men’s grief isn’t acknowledged or understood and that they can miss out on being supported.

Why can men sometimes grieve differently?

"Mum said to my brother 'You're going to have to be the man of the house now,' and I thought, 'What about me?" - Mike, whose father died

There are as many ways to grieve as there are people in the world - everyone grieves differently. While it is not always the case, men can often show their grief and cope with their feelings differently to women. This is in large part could be due to ingrained cultural expectations as to how grieving men and boys should behave; men are often expected to protect those around them, to be stoic and hide their feelings, to avoid crying, to ‘get on with things’ and problem solve. Sometimes, this can be reinforced by well-meaning comments such as 'you're the man of the house now,' or 'you need to look after your mummy,' or 'you're such a brave boy,' but which can be unhelpful as they can further encourage boys to bottle up their emotions.

It seems to be part of men's DNA that says 'don't cry when you graze your knee, hold in your emotions.

Alexander, whose son died

Boys may not also want to show their feelings in an effort to appear 'grown up' and to avoid  appearing 'weak' or 'different' to their peer groups. They may also be concerned about protecting others and not being a burden on their family. Theo, aged 11, who was bereaved of his cousin said: "I always tried to keep it under wraps because not many people really needed to know what I was going through."

This can make it very difficult for men to express their grief and to seek support. Often unable to find an outlet for their emotions, men may experience their grief as anger or it may manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, difficulties in sleeping or fatigue.

How do men typically grieve?

When we grieve, we tend to move between two states. We can be 'loss-oriented' where we are very focused on feeling the pain of our grief and how much we are missing the person who has died. At other times we may be ‘restoration oriented’ distracting ourselves from our grief and giving our attention to practical tasks. Men can tend to gravitate to the restoration-oriented state, avoiding thinking about their grief and sharing their feelings by busying themselves with practical considerations, hobbies or work. Charlie, whose father died, said: "Initially, I didn't deal with my bereavement very well; I distracted myself rather than dealing with everything. I'd bottle it up and pretend everything was OK, which obviously it wasn't."

For some men, concentrating on practical aspects of life can in fact be helpful - a welcome distraction from their grief. However, they can become stuck in this phase, unable to talk about their grief and feeling unsupported.

When you get up in the morning and go out in public you put your mask on. You can take your mask off and be yourself when you come to Child Bereavement UK.

Andy, whose baby daughter was stillborn

In a relationship, partners may grieve differently and this can put additional strain on a relationship when a couple face bereavement together. By understanding these differences, you can begin to achieve balance both with your partner and within yourself. Efrem, whose son died, said: "I'm not an expert, but from my own experience men and women react differently to grief. My wife is happy to get into groups and talk with friends whereas if there was a problem I want to solve it."

View our resource for more on how we grieve.

How can others support a grieving man?

It’s important that men have the opportunity to express their feelings and spend some time in the ‘loss oriented’ phase of grieving. Some men and boys can find it difficult to talk about their feelings, particularly face to face and may prefer to share their feelings when side by side with someone, for example when engaged in an activity such as going on a walk, gardening, or playing or watching sport. Dan, whose wife died, told us: "My friends just dragged me out for walks and jogs and it was while doing these that I started to talk to them about how I was feeling."

It can help if, as a friend or partner, you show that it's OK to share emotions by talking about your own and asking open-ended questions about how they are feeling. You might say: 'I’ve been so sad, and you’ve been so supportive, but you don’t often talk about how you’re feeling. What do you miss about x the most?' or 'You’ve been so supportive to me over the last few weeks while I’ve been deep in my grief. Is there anything I can do to help you?'. Even if your male friend, relative or partner doesn’t want to talk at that moment, you’ve shown them that you are open to talk and that it’s OK to say that you’re feeling sad.

How can grieving men look after their wellbeing?

Men may not prioritise their own wellbeing as they may be caring for others, taking care of practical considerations and distracting themselves from their grief. However, looking after his own wellbeing, even in small ways, can help a man reduce feelings of exhaustion, isolation and helplessness.

"It's emotionally and physically exhausting and it takes its toll on you. Nothing compares to that grief tiredness." - Dan, whose wife died

Taking regular exercise can be helpful, releasing natural endorphins that improve mood. It can also help improve appetite and aid sleep. Exercising with others can reduce feelings of isolation and give a change of scene.

It’s important to get quality sleep as sleep helps us to think more clearly and cope better with our emotions. Regular times to go to bed and to wake can be helpful, as can reducing  things that stop you from sleeping, such as alcohol and caffeine. If sleeping is difficult, keeping a sleep diary can be a useful way to notice how your sleep pattern has changed and what does and doesn’t help.

As soon as you start speaking about your grief, you can start the journey towards getting better.

James, 23, whose father died

Connecting with other people who are supportive can help men feel less alone in their grief. This could be with friends or family or with a group for bereaved men such as StrongMen, Men in Sheds or Sands United.

Support has really helped Ollie to open up and express and explain his feelings and what he's thinking.

Ollie's father, after Ollie's mother died

It may also help to talk to someone for whom you don’t feel responsible and who is neutral, such as a bereavement support practitioner. For information on support, call our Helpline on 0800 02 888 40.

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Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services.

You can also call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40, email [email protected], or use Live Chat on our website.