A miscarriage can be a devastating experience, no matter how many weeks pregnant you were when your baby died. We know from parents we support that the intensity of a parent’s grief isn’t measured in weeks, but in their hopes and wishes for their child. 

Every experience of miscarriage is different and the impact of a miscarriage is unique to each individual - there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You may feel deeply upset about your miscarriage for some time while others may respond in a different way - all families and all pregnancies are different and how you cope is personal to you. 

Why do I feel my grief about my miscarriage doesn’t count? 

Sadly, miscarriage is a relatively common experience with an estimated 10 to 20 per cent of pregnancies lost in the first 24 weeks. Because many people will have experienced miscarriage, they may be very sympathetic and understanding but others may minimise your grief.  

If a miscarriage occurs early in your pregnancy, it may be that others were not aware you were pregnant and do not know that you need their support and kindness. Those who do know may wrongly assume that as you didn’t ‘know’ your baby, you don’t feel the same connection to them and your baby was not a ‘real’ baby. They may expect you to ‘get on with things’ or may say upsetting things like ‘you can always have another baby’, which can feel insensitive and deeply hurtful.

For later miscarriage you may have effectively given birth to your baby, lost them in a physically traumatic way, or had to undergo surgery.  When a much-wanted and anticipated baby dies, the word ‘miscarriage’ can feel inappropriate, suggesting a failure on the part of the birthing person. For this reason, some parents prefer the term ‘pregnancy loss’, which better acknowledges the loss of an expected child. 

Having your grief perceived by others as somehow less important than grief following other losses can be very painful and can prevent you from having the opportunity to spend time grieving and remembering your baby in the way you would like.  

However, your grief is as legitimate as that of any parent. From the moment you found out you were pregnant, you are likely to have felt a connection to your baby and to have had hopes and aspirations for them. This is normal and it’s also normal to feel the loss of those hopes and dreams after your miscarriage intensely- you are allowed to grieve your baby and it’s OK to need support.

Why am I having so many different feelings?

There is no wrong or right way to feel after a miscarriage and you may experience many different emotions. 

When you’re expecting a baby, it is normal and natural for parents to start thinking about their future with their child. When a baby dies at any stage of their development, the loss of your hopes and aspirations for them and for your family can be devastating - for the pregnant parent, this may be coupled with fluctuating hormones which can make difficult emotions even harder to cope with. Your emotions can change from day to day as you face the physical and emotional toll of miscarriage - it’s important to be kind to yourself, not to expect too much of yourself, and to allow others to support you. 

Emotions that you experience might include:

Shock: Miscarriage can be very sudden and unexpected and in some cases can be physically painful, both at the time and afterwards. You may feel numb with shock and find it difficult to understand what has happened or why, and may struggle to manage any physical symptoms. 

Guilt: Many parents feel concerned or even guilty that something they did might have caused them to lose their baby. It’s important to understand that miscarriage rarely happens because of something parents did or did not do; most miscarriages are unexplained, or are thought to occur because of chromosomal or development issues that are outside of anyone’s control. You may also feel a sense of guilt about ‘letting down’ your partner and  others in your family who were excited about your pregnancy. The truth is that your family is unlikely to blame you or feel you failed them;  it can help to talk to others about your feelings and to recognise that you are not to blame. 

Anger: It’s not unusual to feel anger after losing a baby to miscarriage. You may feel angry with yourself because your baby has died and blame yourself, angry with others for not supporting you, angry with your partner for grieving differently to you, or angry with people whose pregnancies seem straightforward. While upsetting, all these responses are normal. It can help to talk about how you're feeling with someone you trust or, if you prefer, with a professional such as your GP or a bereavement support practitioner. 

Loneliness: Grieving can feel very isolating, particularly if no one was aware you were pregnant or they feel awkward speaking to you about your loss. If you prefer not to be around others that’s OK, but some people find it helpful to talk to others who have had similar experiences, perhaps via peer support groups either in person or online. 

Uncertainty, despair and anxiety: Because so often there is no known reason for a miscarriage, you may be left with feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. You may feel a sense of hopelessness about creating your family in the way you wished, or that you might never be able to have another baby. You may also feel anxious and uncertain about trying for another child and worried that another pregnancy might end in miscarriage. If you’ve been on a long journey to become pregnant, had several pregnancies that have ended in baby loss or if this is your last chance to become pregnant, you may feel a deep sense of despair. No one else can know what your baby and your pregnancy meant to you and any feelings you have are legitimate; you don’t have to be brave or make things more comfortable for others by pretending you’re not as upset as you are. 

Low self-esteem: Your self-esteem can be affected by the loss of your baby; you may feel your body has let you down and that you’re somehow less than other people who haven’t had a miscarriage. 

It can help to focus on looking after your physical and mental wellbeing - if you can, take things easy and find time to rest, relax and do things that help you, whether that’s being in the company of friends and family, doing something creative, or just having some time alone. Some people find it helpful to keep a journal so they can write down how they are feeling, helping them to express difficult and painful emotions. 

While many people find the support they need among their friends and family, you may feel you need additional support from someone outside of your immediate circle or from bereavement support professionals. If you'd like to discuss bereavement support with us, please contact our Helpline.

Why is my partner grieving differently?

The way people in a relationship deal with grief can sometimes differ and this can put additional strain on a relationship when a couple faces the loss of a baby together. By understanding these differences, you can begin to achieve balance both with your partner and within yourself. 

Following a miscarriage, partners can feel powerless and unable to help, or their grief might not be acknowledged as being somehow as important as that of the partner who was pregnant, which can be deeply upsetting. As people will understandably be concerned about the person who has given birth, their partner’s grief can sometimes be overlooked, despite their feelings of loss and sadness. 

When someone dies, we tend to move between being ‘loss-oriented’ where we focus on our grief for the person who has died, and ‘restoration-oriented’ where we distract ourselves from our grief by giving our attention to practical tasks. Partners can often stay in the restoration-oriented side as they try to support their partner, or throw themselves into work to avoid difficult feelings, giving themselves little opportunity to express their own grief. It can help for partners to set aside time to talk to each other about how you are feeling, to listen.  See our resource on why partners grieve differently for guidance on how you can support one another. 

How can I explain to my child that my baby has died?

If you have a child who is very young and didn’t know you were pregnant, you may decide not to tell them you are no longer pregnant, However, even very young children can pick up on an atmosphere of sadness at home and may worry and may think they might be to blame. A child who has been aware of your pregnancy will need an explanation too. 

When you speak to your child about your miscarriage, try to use age-appropriate language and avoid euphemisms such as ‘gone to the stars’ or ‘gone to sleep’ which can be confusing for children. Acknowledge any questions your child has and let them know you are happy to answer any other questions they may have. 

To a young child, you might say: ‘A very sad thing happened. The baby that was inside mummy’s tummy has died and we won’t be seeing the baby.’

If your child asks what happened to the baby, you could say: ‘Sometimes there is something wrong with a baby’s body and the baby dies. It is a very sad thing to happen but it isn’t anyone’s fault.’

You may find it helpful to watch our short guidance film and view our resource on explaining stillbirth and miscarriage to a young child. You might also find it helpful to view our resources on children’s understanding of death at different ages and on explaining to a child that someone has died.

How can I cope with milestones?

Milestones such as your baby’s due date can be painful and poignant. It’s OK to feel sad and to make time to grieve for your baby. It may help to do something special in your baby’s memory, like lighting a candle or simply doing something that supports you, such as going on a walk in nature, having a day out or meeting a good friend. Let others know how you are feeling too so that they can be supportive. 

How can I remember my baby?

Finding ways to remember your baby can be comforting and help you maintain a connection with them. Some parents find it helpful to put together a memory box of items such as scan photos, a photograph of the pregnancy test if you have one, and other items connected to your pregnancy. Some parents we have supported at Child Bereavement UK say they found writing a letter to their baby helped them express their feelings and feel a connection with them.  

If you live in England and your baby died before 24 weeks it is now possible to have a baby loss certificate, no matter when your baby died, to recognise your baby and your grief. These certificates are official documents although they are not legal documents and are not added to your GP record. Through the government's website you can find out more or apply for a baby loss certificate and if your baby is stillborn from 24 weeks onwards, you can register a stillbirth.

If you live in Scotland, a Memorial Book is available which has been jointly produced by the Scottish Government and National Records of Scotland (NRS) and developed in partnership with health professionals, Royal Colleges and baby loss charities. As well as an entry in the Memorial Book, you will receive a commemorative certificate to recognise your baby and your loss. This free service is run by NRS, is completely voluntary, and no medical evidence is required. Historical applications are also welcome.

Watch our short film for more ways to remember someone who has died.

How can I look after my wellbeing after a miscarriage?

Looking after yourself and maintaining your physical wellbeing, may feel difficult or unimportant in the face of your loss, but can help you to manage some aspects of grieving and coping with day-to-day life. This is particularly important if your miscarriage has involved any medical issues or interventions. 

There may be times when you prefer to grieve alone and times when you feel you want to share your grief with others and talk about your loss. Some parents find reading about others’ experiences or books and support literature helpful. Even if talking about your grief feels too difficult, positive contact with other supportive people can help you feel less alone.

If your baby died due to miscarriage some time ago,  your grief is as legitimate as that of someone more recently bereaved. Grief is a life-long journey and it is normal to continue to feel sad and to want to remember your baby.  You may find it helpful to read our guidance for parents whose baby died some time ago.

How can I return to work after a miscarriage?

Returning to work after miscarriage can be daunting. The amount of annual leave given or taken after a bereavement varies enormously and currently there is no legal right to bereavement leave if your baby dies before 24 weeks, although this is due to change.  

For some people, returning to work is a positive step, providing some routine and structure in their day and time in a familiar environment. However, for physical and emotional reasons you may find it helpful to speak to your employer about taking some time off or having a gradual return to work; this may also be affected by the nature of your work You may find it helpful to view our suggestions and guidance for employees returning to work after a baby or child has died.

When is the right time to try for another baby?

Whether you choose to try for another baby after your baby has died, and when, are deeply personal decisions. When is right is a decision that can only be made by you. There are, however, some circumstances where you might need to take professional advice before becoming pregnant again, for example, if your miscarriage happened due to a genetic condition or if you have experienced any physical issues as a result of your miscarriage. Read our resource for more on expecting another baby after your baby has died.

Getting support

There are no rules in grief, and how we grieve differs from individual to individual. You may have lots of support around you, but even so, you may feel you need additional help. Child Bereavement UK supports parents who have been bereaved of a child of any age. If you'd like to discuss bereavement support with us, please contact our Helpline.