How I learned to love a child after losing a child 

By Dionne Bowen

In 2017 I was supported by Child Bereavement UK after my daughter Nia died aged two. In 2018 God blessed me with my second daughter Johari.

Being blessed with a new baby after losing a child is an indescribable experience. It is an experience of polarising emotions; the hope and excitement of new life and a new beginning are met with and haunted by a looming sense of fear and guilt. A fear that what happened before might happen again and a feeling of guilt that you may forget to grieve your angel in the happiness of celebrating your newborn. This inner conflict for me was agonising.

I remember being about 8 months pregnant and hysterically panicking as I revealed to my bereavement support practitioner that I was petrified that if I loved the new baby too much, I would be dishonouring Nia’s memory. I felt that if I embraced the new baby I would be letting go of my angel and this tore me up.

Somewhere inside I had decided that I would love the new baby with caution, and I would hold back thereby shielding myself from any pain that may come.

Somewhere inside I had decided that I would love the new baby with caution, and I would hold back, thereby shielding myself from any pain that may come. I imagined that this approach would also help me to remain loyal to Nia, my firstborn. In a moment of clear and cutting clarity my practitioner said something to me that would change my perspective forever more.  She told me that I couldn’t neglect Nia now as I had taken care of her and loved her while she was on the earth, but that I could neglect the new baby. Choosing to hold back from loving her would be neglectful and I needed to give her my best, as I did Nia.

There isn’t a finite amount of love that a parent has to allot to their children, the love that I feel for my daughters is infinite, and with this realisation I am now able to love them both without fear or caution.

This was a harsh truth that changed my life. I have come to realise that there isn’t a finite amount of love that a parent has to allot to their children, the love that I feel for my daughters is infinite, and with this realisation I am now able to love them both without fear or caution. I love both Nia and Johari with my entire heart and I am no longer split in two. Loving your rainbow baby in no way takes away from your other children.

I celebrate my rainbow baby and my angel each and every day. I love them both infinitely, entirely and equally.

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