Caroline was supported by Child Bereavement UK in Glasgow after her son and only child Fraser died, aged 18, from a brain tumour in 2022.

When your child dies, you’re left with this massive deep hole but with support you can learn to cope with life in a different way. There is light at the end of the tunnel, your life is never the same but you learn to deal with it and live with it.

Fraser was diagnosed with a brain tumour in 2020. He asked me on Christmas Day 2021 what my life would have been like if he hadn’t survived an operation he’d had, because we nearly lost him several times. And my remark was ‘unimaginable’. And that’s the way my life is now.

For me, grief feels like you’re just dead inside. I laugh but inside I’m dead - for me that’s a face you put on for people

When Fraser died, my emotions were like a pot of soup being stirred by a spoon. I would be walking in the house and I’d start crying, just overcome with emotion. There was so much emotion spinning around that I couldn’t come to terms with it. For me, grief feels like you’re just dead inside. I laugh but inside I’m dead - for me that’s a face you put on for people. I thought I was fine but, as time went on, I  realised I wasn’t coping. I was feeling  unimaginable grief. 

And that’s when I made the call to Child Bereavement UK. The bereavement support practitioner offered appointments face-to-face or via Zoom. For me Zoom was perfect; I suppose that was because I was hiding away as I was in such a dark place, although I didn’t think I was at the time. But my personality had changed and I didn’t want to speak to people. The Zoom appointments were great though - he just listened to me, let me rant on as I do, and then I’d just sit with my arms folded each time and say ‘Decipher that!’.

At the time I thought it wasn’t helping and in fact one of my friends asked if I thought the support was helping me and I said, ‘I don’t know, I really can’t tell you.’ But it was helping. It was like unravelling spaghetti and my mind was getting clearer. Without the support from Child Bereavement UK I wouldn’t be in the position I am today, I know that for a fact - so it’s a huge, huge thank you.

I always thought support wasn’t for me because I didn’t know what it was about, but I would urge anyone in my position to pick up that phone. You don’t want to be in a situation that I was in where I didn’t want to speak to anyone. When your child dies, you’re left with this massive deep hole but with support you can learn to cope with life in a different way. There is light at the end of the tunnel, your life is never the same but you learn to deal with it and live with it.

The support helped me with things like Fraser’s birthday. My bereavement support practitioner asked me what I was going to do for his birthday and I said, ‘He’s not here, I can’t do this,’ and I said I would feel guilty. He asked what my favourite meal was and what Fraser’s favourite meal was - so that’s what we did, we had steak on the day of his birthday. And that’s what we’ll do for every birthday, and we’ll always talk about him.

I find it upsetting if I speak with someone for the first time since Fraser passed away and they say “How are you?” but without acknowledging my loss. I understand that, for some people, they think they may upset you and they don’t know what to say - I get that. So many people say to me “I don’t know what to say,” and I always reply “There is nothing you can say, thank you for your words, what you’ve said means a lot”. 

I’ll always have tears meeting anyone for the first time after losing my precious boy. But I’m fine after a few minutes, then I talk about Fraser. My bereavement support practitioner said that basically I am like a teacher to others. I always think ‘Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you lead the conversation’.  It doesn’t always work, but you just think of your loved one.

Since having support I’m in a better place. I’m not crying every single minute - that pot of soup is settled although there are still times when I think I can’t cope, but then I take a step back and I think ‘Yes, I am coping’.

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