Explaining a death due to drug or alcohol use

Telling a child or young person that someone important to them has died is difficult enough. Explaining a death involving drug or alcohol use, whether from substance use, addiction or accidental overdose, can be challenging. Often, our instinct is to protect children by not telling them, but we know from our experience it can be helpful to tell a child or young person how the person died, in a way that they will understand. Our team offers guidance on how to explain death by drugs or alcohol to a child or young person, including:

• Using age-appropriate language they can understand
• Making sure they understand what death is first
• Giving a clear, honest explanation of how that person died if that feels appropriate
• Building up information and let them ask questions
• Talking about their feelings and offer reassurance

Use age-appropriate language they can understand

The depth and complexity of the conversation should match your child’s developmental level. Younger children need simpler explanations and language, while teenagers can understand more complex information. It’s important to use terminology they are familiar with and clear language like ‘death’ and ‘died’. Although it can feel uncomfortable to use these words, terms like 'lost', 'passed away' or 'gone to sleep' can be confusing, especially for younger children who may take things literally. If they are lost, then why don’t we go and find them? If they have 'gone to sleep', will I disappear if I go to sleep?

Start with a simple explanation of what death is

Very young children may not know what it means to be alive or dead and often won’t fully understand the permanence of death until around the age of nine. Children and young people need to hear factual, clear language about the concept of death. It can be helpful to say something like:

"Oliver has died and when someone dies this mean they are not alive anymore. Their heart has stopped beating and their body has stopped working. They have died and this very sadly means we won’t see them again."

Talking about the natural life cycle of every living thing can be helpful for young children. You could find both alive and dead bugs and ask them to tell you the difference between them.

Give a clear explanation of how they died

You may think you are protecting your child or young person by not telling them that their important person died because of drug or alcohol use. However, children can feel confused if they have questions about the person’s death and don’t have the answers. They may also look for answers in another way – maybe online, rumours or overhearing conversations – and therefore have half an understanding about how the person died. So, it may be helpful to hear the truth about how the person died in a way they understand from someone they trust. You may find it helpful to view our resource on telling a child or young person that someone has died.

Try to help your child to tell you what they think happened; they may understand more than you think, but they may also be also be confused. They may hear family talk about the death in other ways, which can be unhelpful and add to their confusion. For example, "Nan says Mum drank too much alcohol because of Dad". It can be useful to explain that it’s no one’s fault, and people around them may have tried to help in lots of different ways but unfortunately the person who died could not be helped.

Sometimes negative things may have been said by the person who died in front of the child, e.g., "I drink because of you". Challenge words like this by exploring whether they really make sense, and whether the person was really thinking clearly when they said that. Sometimes young people feel guilty and can blame themselves for what happened, this might be because the person who died asked them to keep their alcohol or drug use a secret, or maybe they asked the young person to go to the shops to buy them alcohol. Reassure them that they haven’t done anything wrong and let them know it was the adult who was responsible for those decisions.

A question children sometimes ask themselves is, "Why did they 'choose' alcohol/drugs over me?", and this can be explored by thinking about what an addiction is. It’s important to explain that addiction is more complicated than any one cause and that there are many different things that create addiction, including social, psychological and biological factors. Explore what 'mental health' is with a young person. Explain that it can help to look after our mental health by treating ourselves well, thinking kind thoughts about ourselves, and doing things that help us keep well, like exercise or eating well.

When explaining how someone died to a child, take into account their age, level of understanding and how ready they are for this information. If they are asking you questions about how their special person died, then it might be a sign that they are ready for the answer.

Explaining a death due to drugs or alcohol addiction

Naming it as an addiction and giving an explanation about what an addiction is can be the first step. For example:

"An addiction is when you can’t stop yourself from doing something even though you might really want to. It is an illness in your brain."

You can then add in further context, for example:

"Dad died from an illness in their brain/mind called alcoholism." Or "Dad died from a drug overdose because of their addiction."

"Mary was very unwell in her brain. This meant even though she really wanted to stop drinking alcohol/taking drugs she couldn’t because she was addicted to it. Taking too much alcohol or drugs can seriously affect your body and unfortunately for Mary, her heart stopped beating and her body stopped working, and she died."

Explaining a death by accidental overdose

"On the day they died, they did something very dangerous that you should never do. We think they accidentally took too much of a medicine/drug [name it if you feel it’s appropriate]. Taking too much of a medicine/drug can seriously affect your body. Unfortunately for them, because of taking too much of a medicine/drug, their heart stop beating, their body stopped working and they died."

Explaining a death by intentional overdose

Explaining that someone took their own life by deliberately taking an overdose of a drug or medicine can feel impossible. You could start with:

“They had a poorly mind. They were unwell in their mind with an illness called depression. Their illness made their thinking not work properly and on the day they died, their thinking told them they shouldn’t be alive anymore. They did something very dangerous that you should never do. They took too much of a medicine/drug [name it if you feel it’s appropriate] because they knew this would make their heart stop beating, their body stop working, and they would die. They took too much medicine/drug to make themselves die.”

Read our guidance on supporting your child when someone has died by suicide.

Building up information

You may need to give some information about what drugs are. You could explain that drugs, a bit like medicines, are something that change the way a person’s body works. There are medicines which can be found in shops, some medicines are given to you by a doctor to help you to get better, and there are some drugs that are illegal (illegal means that you are not allowed to take them) and they can affect the way people think or act. To simplify, it may be helpful to explain that legal drugs from doctors can help you get better and illegal drugs do not help us and can cause illnesses.

Discuss responsible choices

Emphasise the importance of making choices that keep our bodies and minds healthy. For teenagers and young adults, you could have a discussion about why it’s important not to take any substances without the supervision of a trained adult or doctor. You can talk about healthy and unhealthy choices and how too much of something can harm us, you could try using fast food as an example.

Talk about their feelings

Death often brings up intense emotions. Assure them that it’s okay to feel upset, confused, or scared and that it’s important to talk about these feelings. Acknowledge that the child or young person might be feeling emotions that seem opposite to each other and explain that having these mixed feelings and thoughts is normal because grief can be really complicated. If they knew the person who died, allow them to grieve and express their emotions in whatever way is best for them. Children can often feel that they were responsible for an important person’s death, so reassure them that they didn’t cause them to take drugs or drink alcohol. You may find it helpful to view our resource on how we grieve.

Offer reassurance

Make sure to tell them that most people do not die from using alcohol or drugs and that there are many ways people work to stay safe and healthy. Reinforce that you and other adults they trust are there to keep them safe.

Acknowledge that they are still allowed to grieve for their person, regardless of how they died. If possible, it can be useful to tell the child more about the person’s life story and background, building up a bigger picture about who they were as a person, separate from the alcohol or drugs. Explore some ways to remember and how to express grief on our activities page.

Let them ask questions

Let your child know you are here for them when they want to talk. Encourage them to ask any questions they may have and to come to you if they hear or see anything about drugs or alcohol that worries them. See it as an ongoing conversation that can be built up over time, a bit like a puzzle. When we are very young, we may have a puzzle that has 12 pieces and shows a simple picture, but as we get older, we can build a puzzle with maybe a thousand pieces to see and understand a bigger picture.

Remember, every child is unique and their understanding and ability to process their emotions may vary. Be patient and provide reassurance and support throughout the conversation.

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