Talking to a young child about death and dying can feel daunting and challenging. As adults, our natural instinct is to protect children from the difficult things in life. However, in order to make some sense of what has happened, children need information and honest, simple explanations in language they can understand. While it may be tempting to withhold information, particularly if the death was distressing, it is important to support your child by giving them clear and honest explanations that help them to understand and make sense of what has happened. It’s normal to worry about making things worse by saying too much or the wrong thing, but remember the worst has already happened.

Why should I tell my child that someone has died?

Every child is different and unique, however  it is better to be open, honest and direct with a child when a special person has died. All children, including very young children will pick up when something sad and terrible has happened. They will notice that the behaviour of adults and older siblings around them has changed; they will pick up on telephone conversations or discussions with wider family and community members. Depending on the circumstances of a death, there may also be exposed to media coverage. Children are also more aware of information shared on social media, for example, Mummy has lots of new messages sending love and support on Facebook and Daddy has not been around for a few days.

If these changes are unexplained it can cause further anxiety and worry for children. In the absence of information, children tend to fill in the gaps and will use their imagination to try and make sense of what has happened to them – often the things they imagine can be worse than the reality. When they are not told things, children can feel left out, confused or forgotten and for some children this can lead them to blaming themselves for what has happened. They also need to be able to rely on adults around them to give them the truth and guidance to make sense of an upsetting and confusing situation.

Who should tell my child that someone has died?

The news is best heard from a trusted member of the family, but if you feel unable to do this, try to stay in close proximity while someone else familiar to the child explains what has happened. If you are breaking the news yourself, have someone else around to support you.

When should I tell my child that someone has died?

When a parent, sibling, twin sibling, grandparent or friend has died, it is important for children to hear the news as soon as possible. The longer you leave it, the greater the likelihood that they will overhear a conversation or find out in some other less helpful way. Children are very sensitive to atmosphere and may well already have picked up that something serious has happened, particularly when a death is reported in the media or in message on social media. It’s better for them to have the facts from you rather than learning it from someone else or letting their imagination fill in the gaps.

Where should I tell my child that someone has died?

If possible, find somewhere where you will not be disturbed and that is free from distractions. Try to be in close proximity to the child. If appropriate, you may want to reassure or comfort them such as by holding their hand. For a child who finds physical contact uncomfortable, just sit nearby. Sitting alongside them on a settee is ideal.

How can I tell my child that someone has died?

It is  better to be open, honest and direct when someone has died. In the absence of clear information children tend to ‘fill in the gaps’ to try and make sense of what is happening. This can mean that children imagine all sorts of things about a death, which are often worse than the reality. 

Use simple language: Use simple words appropriate for the child’s age and understanding. It is important to use the real words such as 'dead' and 'died'. Euphemisms including 'lost' or 'gone to sleep' may seem kinder, but these can cause confusion for a child. For instance, some young children may try to look for something that is lost, or find it difficult to go to sleep if they associate this with dying.

Be led by your child’s understanding: Only give as much information as a child wants. This is usually indicated by them asking a question – if they have asked the question, it usually means that they are ready to hear, or need to hear, the answer.

Don’t give too much information: Try to answer only the question asked and avoid giving extra detail. Be honest, but avoid overloading a child with information or detail, which can always be added later if needed. You don’t need to give children all of the information in one go, it can help to give them information in smaller chunks that are more manageable and build it up like a jigsaw. For example, very young children start to build puzzles with just a few blocks and for them ‘Mummy has died’ and ‘it’s really sad’ might be enough to begin with. As they develop and get older children will require more information to make sense of the puzzle. For example, you might explain how a person has died and could say ‘Mummy’s heart stopped working which meant her body wasn't working any more'. 

Check your child’s understanding: If faced with a question you find difficult or are not sure how to answer, it can be helpful to ask the child what they think. This will give you an indication of what is behind their question and how much the child already knows and understands.   

Expect questions: You are likely to have to repeat information and answer questions in subsequent days and weeks. It's not uncommon for younger children to ask lots of repetitive questions; this doesn’t mean they haven’t listened or that you haven’t explained it well enough, this is just how children come to understand what has happened. Being asked the same questions repeatedly can be difficult, but this is the way that young children try to make sense of what has happened. Answer questions honestly, but keep explanations short, clear and appropriate for their age and understanding. 

If children are older, it is also important to ask them how much information they would like to receive, for example, ‘would you like to know what happened at the hospital?’ Letting children know they can ask more questions in the future is also important, this tells them that they can rely on the adults around them to provide the truth at a confusing time.  

If you don’t know the answer, be honest: It is OK to say you don’t know the answer to a question, but that you will come back to them if you find an answer.

Let your child know about plans: Tell your child about plans for the days ahead, including who will take them to school or activities. If you need to leave them, tell them when you will be home. This will help give your child a sense of security when everything else might feel out of control for them.

What words can I use to tell my child someone has died?

The following are suggestions to help you with what to say, how much to say, and when and how to say it. The words suggested are not meant to be a script; they are ideas to give you the confidence to go with what feels right for you and the child or children you are with.

Alert the child to the fact that you have something sad to say: "I have some very sad news to tell you". Use clear language that they can understand. If a person has been unwell, it can be helpful to build on what the child already knows.

You might say:

"I have something very sad to tell you. Grandad has been very ill for some time, and now he has died."

You might also offer reassurance by saying: 

"Sadly, [Grandad] has died. Everyone wishes he had not died and had lived for many more years. However, his body was not able to keep working and so he died. His heart stopped beating, his lungs stopped breathing, and  his brain stopped thinking, and so he died.” 

“We are very healthy and we’re going to do all we can to keep that way, because I want to be around to [play with my great grandchildren/travel to Mars/celebrate the year 2100]."

Avoid using words or phrases such as 'lost', 'passed away', 'gone to the stars' or 'gone to sleep' as these can be confusing for children. Clear words such as 'he has died' might feel blunt but they are much easier for children to understand. 

Often all you need to say initially is that the person has died; more questions will follow when the child is ready for further explanation and information. Allow for time together for comfort and support. Reassure the child that it is OK to ask questions about anything at all and that you will do your best to answer them. 

How much should I tell my child about how someone died?

How much a child needs to know about how someone died can be concern for parents, carers and professionals supporting younger children. Many adults understandably worry about talking to children about death. You might worry about what to say, saying the wrong thing or making things worse. These are all very natural worries, however remember that the worst has already happened for a child – nothing you say can make it worse.

Children are exposed to death and dying from a young age in a variety of ways, for example Disney films including Up and The Lion King have strong themes of loss. Even young children have an ability to deal with the truth that adults often underestimate.

What you tell a child about what has happened in their family will depend on many factors, including their level of understanding. It is often easier for children to be given information in small chunks rather than all in one go, and simple messages may need to be repeated several times – repetition is how young children process new information. Be patient with children and remember that repetition does not mean they have not listened or understood the first time.

It can help to think of it like a jigsaw - young children begin to build puzzles with just a few pieces of information. “I have something really sad to tell you” and “Daddy has died” may be enough information to begin with. Each child will be ready to hear more information at different times. Some children will want to know more straight away, others will need more time – be led by them.

How do I answer my child's questions about how someone died?

Children are naturally inquisitive and it is important to let them know that it’s ok to ask more questions about how someone special has died. Asking questions is a clear sign that children are ready to hear more and add more pieces to their jigsaw. For example, if they ask “how did Daddy die?” it is ok to tell them using simple words that they can understand.

For example, in the case of a heart attack, you might say:

“Daddy died as his heart stopped working and this meant his body stopped working.”

In the case of a disease such as cancer, you might say:

“Mummy had an illness called cancer. Mummy’s cancer was in her chest. The doctors tried really hard but none of the treatments could make Mummy better. The cancer made it really difficult for Mummy to breathe which meant her breathing stopped and her body stopped working.”

It might feel strange to use a medical word like cancer with a very young child. However, it is helpful to use clear words with children rather than terms like ‘poorly’ which can make children very concerned next time someone is described as poorly when they have a minor cold. You might want to explain that cancer, or other illness, makes people very, very ill, which causes them to die, but explain that lots of illnesses do not lead to someone dying.

A young child may find it hard to actually process the information given but what is important is that a child will have heard the facts from someone they know and trust. As children grow, their understanding of initial information will change and they will feel ready to hear more detail. It can be useful to gently reassure children every now and again that questions about the person who died are ok.

Some types of death may be harder to talk about, such as substance use, suicide or murder. However, the same principles of being honest, clear and direct apply, although it can feel more difficult. View our resources for more on supporting children bereaved by alcohol and drug use or by suicide or homicide.

Should I let my child see how I am feeling?

It is OK to show your emotions and to explain that you are sad because the person has died, and that it is natural to feel sad sometimes or to cry when someone dies. If your child doesn’t seem to react at first, that is OK too. It may take time for the information to sink in. In terms of how children and young people grieve, it is often the case that they tend to dip in and out of their feelings more than adults, switching from feeling sad to feeling OK.

How can I explain to my child what 'dead' means?

The following are suggestions for words you could use when explaining the concept of being dead to a young child. Exactly what you choose to say will depend on individual circumstances and your own beliefs. A good approach is honesty combined with lots of reassurance. Concentrate on what feels right for you and the child that you are with. You might say:

"When somebody dies their body stops working. A dead body does not breathe because their lungs are no longer working and the heart has stopped. A dead body cannot move, it will be quiet and still. A dead body cannot feel anything so there will be no pain."

Because a young child under five can find it hard to grasp the difference between being dead and being alive, they may need to be reassured. You might say:

"Because their body has stopped working, dead people do not need anything to eat or to drink and they cannot feel the cold. Dead people stay dead forever; much as we might like them to, they cannot come back to life."

For younger children, visual examples from the natural world can help to explain, such as comparing a dead leaf on the ground to a living leaf on the tree, or if you come across a dead insect. Start by spotting living things together and talk about what they see – are there particular movements or noises? You can explain that these are signs of being alive. Encourage your child to think about other things that happen when you are alive, such as your heart is beating and your brain is thinking; this can help them make connections to humans. Ask the child to think about what else shows that we are alive – perhaps the way we move or do things. Now, find dead insects and ask a child to see what they aren’t doing compared to the living ones. This can help them understand the different between alive and dead. For extra guidance view our dead insect activity for grieving children.

It’s important for children to understand the life cycle and that everyone will change from being alive to being dead at some point, but that most people die when they are older. Some children can worry that something they did or said has caused a death. So, explaining to a child that our thoughts or words won’t cause somebody to die can help. 

How can I answer any questions my child may have?

Be led by any questions your child or young person asks. Remember that if a child or young person asks a question it usually means that they are ready for the answer. Explain using child appropriate language, in a way that a child can understand.

If you are unsure how to answer a question from the child, let them know that you will find out and will come back to them. 
There are books that you can read with the child to help them to understand more about what has happened and how death affects us; to begin to think about what the death of this person means to them now, how they feel, what questions they have, and ways that they can be supported in their grief. See our list of recommended books and resources for ideas.

How might my child react to hearing that someone has died?

Children and young people tend to show feelings with behaviours rather than words, and they absorb and process information in different ways at different ages. The way a child reacts to the news and the way they grieve is affected by their age and understanding.

They might show distress or anger, ask questions or seem not to react at all at first, while others may giggle nervously. Not reacting at first does not mean they don’t care or haven’t heard you. They may suddenly come back with a reaction or question later.

Common reactions include feeling anxious or insecure, being angry, being confused about the death and why it has happened, feeling protective of others, reduced self-confidence, and wondering if they were somehow responsible for what happened. All of these responses are normal and it is helpful to reassure, support and comfort the child through their difficult feelings.

Young children in particular, tend to ‘jump’ in and out of their grief – a little like jumping in and out of a puddle – leaping from feeling very upset and distressed one moment to wanting to know what’s for tea or whether they can play football, for example. The reason for this is that children need a break from the powerful emotions that accompany their grief and so are able to jump out of them for a while in order that they are not overwhelmed. 

Whilst this can be difficult for adults to understand and to keep up with, this puddle jumping is very normal, and doesn’t mean that your child doesn’t care or isn’t impacted by what has happened. It may take them some time to process what has happened and they might need some help in finding ways to express how it feels for them. Watch our animated film to learn more about why children puddle jump. 

An autistic child or a child with special education needs may struggle to understand what they are being told and you may need to find creative ways to explain what has happened such as with signs or symbols, or concrete examples from nature such as a dead plant or insect.

How can I support my child?

Things that help include:

• Clear, honest and age-appropriate information

• Giving them time to ask questions and answering their questions clearly and honestly

• Reassurance that they are not to blame and that different feelings are OK. Let them know they are safe and loved, and that they will be taken care of

• Let your child know that it’s OK to feel sad

• Keeping to normal routines as much as possible

• If you need to leave them, keeping them informed about where you are going and when you will be home

• A clear demonstration of who is there for them

• Making time to talk about what has happened, and to build memories

• Showing your emotions, which will help them to express rather than hide theirs

How can I help my child explore their emotions?

Children will look to the adults around them to make sense of grief and try to understand how they should react. Often people worry about children seeing them upset and are worried they’ll make things worse. 

Grief is complicated and adults and children can experience a range of emotions. It will not damage a child if they see you cry, however more extreme grief reactions might be frightening to them. It’s ok to explore feelings with children and can give them permission to explore their own with you too. For example, you could say ‘Mummy is crying because I feel really sad because Daddy died and I miss him.’  You might find it helpful to look at our resource on supporting your child when your partner has died. 

Saying things out loud helps children understand and be aware of what is happening in their world. Just as adults try to protect children from their grief, children instinctively do the same and may be worried about showing how they are really feeling. With encouragement it is possible to help children explore their grief rather than keeping emotions locked away, which can make grief more complicated. 

It is normal for parents to struggle to be available for children due to their own grief when another child has died. However, children manage this change better if clear information is given about what is happening and why. For example, you could say ‘Mummy is finding today really difficult as I’m feeling really sad that Tom died.’ 

There will be times or days when communicating clearly like this feels easier and times it feels really hard. Look after yourself and do what you feel able too, when you can. However, speaking honestly with children can help them feel included and valued at a time when life is really difficult. In time you can explore feelings together, but it is ok if you notice you are grieving differently too. 

How can I manage reactions from more than one child? 

If you are supporting more than one child, you may decide to tell them together or one at a time. Be prepared that they may have different understandings and grief responses, some may cry, some may not; some may act as if nothing has happened, whereas you may see huge changes in emotional, social and behavioural presentation in others; some may want to be close to you, others may prefer time on their own or with their friends. This is normal and ok. Try not to judge and compare any differences between siblings in what grief emotions and feelings are shown and how, but view them each individually, and accept that grief is unique, and this is what the death of this person means to this individual child now, and how they are coping with this.  

Remember that there are lots of different ways that individual children and young people may respond after news of a death. The child may respond differently to how you have responded, or differently to a sibling. 

Don’t be afraid of any silences or pauses, as the child tries to make sense of what is being said to them. Shock is a normal response to being told news of a death. Give the child time to start to process the enormity of what has just been said to them, don’t rush this or overwhelm them with more information.  

Sometimes people of all ages will struggle to accept news about a death and may think it is a joke or not really true. They may need more time to process what has been said to them, and to re-hear this a few times for it to sink in. 

Some children, especially younger ones, may want to go off and play immediately after you tell them that someone has died and may not appear to have appreciated the seriousness of what has been shared with them. This may be because they don’t really understand and/or because young children often ‘puddle jump’ in their grief. This means that when children start to feel difficult or uncomfortable feelings and emotions, that they can quickly try to distract themselves with other things. If the child reacts like this, it’s quite normal and it doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong. 

What should I do if my child wants to see the body of the person who has died?

Children (and adults) may want to see the body of the person who has died. Making a decision about this can be very difficult and you will need to be guided by what feels right for your family in the circumstances. If children are well prepared for what they will see, and they do not feel pressurised, bereaved children have told us that seeing the person was helpful and not something they regretted doing. It can help children to understand what has happened, and to say goodbye.

Isla didn’t go in with fear, it seemed to be the most natural thing in the world for her to do. She took a drawing and a favourite photograph for Nanny to keep.

It is important to allow a child to change their mind at the last minute. They could stay outside the room at the funeral directors, or look in through the door. Other options include asking a child if they would like to make something special for the person like a note or picture, which can be placed with the person, either before or during the funeral. 

How can I talk to my child about the funeral?

It is helpful to explain to children what a funeral is and why we have them, first explaining what death means to young children if necessary (see above). You may also find it helpful to share and talk about our short animated films on what happens at a burial and what happens at a cremation. 

A very young child or even a baby can go to a funeral with the rest of the family. Although they may not understand what is happening at the time, when they are older, they will appreciate that they were a part of this important event along with everyone else. Or they could just attend the gathering afterwards. Older children can be given the choice whether to attend. As long as a child is prepared for what is going to happen and what they will see, attending the funeral can be a helpful experience and an important opportunity to process their understanding and say goodbye.

Involving a child in planning the funeral, even in small ways, can help them feel part of the event, even if they do not attend. They could make a drawing or card which could be placed on the coffin, or they might have a favourite poem or a song they would like to be included in the service. If possible, taking the child beforehand to the funeral location can help them feel secure and prepared for the event.

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