Unless they have been to a funeral or have been aware of the death of someone they know, most children will not have much knowledge of what happens at a funeral. What they do know may come from overheard conversations or depictions in films, TV dramas and the media, which may lead children to have specific ideas of a funeral which may not tally with what they might experience in person.

A good starting point is to talk about what a funeral is and why we have them. What you say will of course be influenced by your culture, beliefs or religion, if you have one. In all cases, a clear, age-appropriate explanation that takes into account the child’s understanding can help a child understand a funeral, make informed choices about attending or participating, and know what to expect if they are attending.

Should my child go to a funeral?

As long as a child is prepared for what is going to happen and what they will see, attending the funeral can be a helpful experience to help them understand the finality of death, as well as being an opportunity to grieve and say goodbye.

Children we have supported at Child Bereavement UK have told us that they appreciated the opportunity to be included in the funeral and that attending is something they did not regret. However, some children who were not given the option told us they deeply resented not being included, despite the decision not to take them being made with the best of intentions.

A very young child, toddler, or even a baby can usually go to a funeral with the rest of the family. Although they may not understand what is happening at the time, when they are older they are likely to appreciate that they were included. It can be helpful to take a favourite, quiet toy or book to occupy them and to ask someone close to your child to be on hand in case your child gets restless or needs to be distracted for a while. 

If you decide you don’t want your young child to go to the funeral, you might perhaps choose to include them in the gathering afterwards, or to have another, private way to include them in remembering the person who has died.

Involving a child in planning the funeral, even in small ways, can help them feel part of the event, even if they do not attend, and it can help them to express their feelings. They could make a drawing or card which could be placed on the coffin, or they might have a favourite poem or a song they might like to have included in a service. If your child is attending the funeral, it might be helpful, where possible, to visit the location of the funeral in advance as this can help your child to feel prepared for the event. As long as a child is prepared for what is going to happen and what they will see, attending the funeral can be a helpful experience.

Older children can be given the choice to attend and preparing them is important, allowing them to make an informed decision.

When your child is making the decision to attend a funeral, you might say:

You can have a think about if you would like to be there. You do not have to decide right now and if you change your mind that is OK. You can ask any questions you want. I will try to answer or if I don’t know, we can ask the Funeral Director, the person who is helping us.

If your child chooses not to attend, there are other things you can do to help them say goodbye and to remember the person who has died. For ideas, watch our short film, Remembering someone special who has died.

How can I explain why we have funerals to my child?

Before explaining why we have funerals to your child, it can be helpful to gauge their understanding of death and dying. This is important, as a child who has not quite grasped the concept of what being ‘dead’ means may be distressed by the thought of burying or cremating the body of someone special to them. 

If they don’t fully understand what death means, it can help to give a simple explanation. Try to use language that is appropriate to their age and understanding, avoiding euphemisms like 'passed away' or 'gone' which can be confusing for children. It might seem harsh to an adult, but we strongly recommend using clear, simple words such as 'dead' and 'died'. You might say:

'When somebody dies their body stops working. A dead body does not breathe because their lungs are no longer working and the heart has stopped. A dead body cannot move, it will be still and make no sound. A dead body cannot feel anything so there will be no pain.'

What you say about funerals will be influenced by your culture, beliefs or religion, if you have one. However a good start might be to say:

'When someone dies, we say goodbye to them by having a funeral. A funeral is where family and friends get together to think about and remember the person who has died.'

Depending on where the funeral takes place:

'It will take place at a church, mosque or temple, in a garden or wood, or at a place called a crematorium.'

This may be as much information as the child needs for now, allowing them to ask questions if they need to or later when they have processed what you have said.

How can I explain what happens at a funeral to a child?

The following words are suggestions for what you might say, depending on your child’s age and understanding. You can tailor the words according to what you know will happen at the funeral you will be attending. You may also find it helpful to watch our short animated films which explain what happens at a burial and what happens at a cremation.

'When someone dies, we have a special ceremony called a funeral. Because Granny has died, we are going to have one just for her. At the funeral Granny will be in a special box called a coffin. The coffin will have white flowers on it which were Granny’s favourite.'

'You don’t need to worry about Granny being in the coffin because when someone dies, their body stops working and they can’t feel anything anymore.'

'At the funeral, people will talk about Granny, they might play her favourite music and talk about her life and all the kind and funny things she did.'

How can I explain a burial?

If someone is being buried, you might say:

'After the funeral service, you can go to a cemetery or graveyard where Granny’s coffin will be put in a deep hole in the ground called a grave.'

'The coffin will be gently lowered into the grave. Someone might say some special words or a prayer.'

'Afterwards the coffin will be covered with earth so that it is under the ground and eventually grass will grow over it. You don’t need to worry about Granny in the coffin because when someone dies, their body stops working and they can’t feel anything anymore.

Later on, we will have a headstone put on the grave. This will have Granny’s name on it so that everyone will know where her body is buried. We can visit the grave sometimes to think about and remember Granny.'

You might like to watch our special animated film with your child: Explaining funerals to children: What happens at a burial?

How can I explain cremation?

What you say about cremation will be influenced by the age and understanding of your child. Some young children may be frightened by the use of the words 'burnt' or 'burning' as they may associate fire with pain, fear or danger. You might say:

'After everyone has gone, Granny’s coffin will be put in a place in the crematorium that will turn her body into ashes. You don’t need to worry about Granny because when someone dies, their body stops working and they can’t feel anything anymore. 

Later on, Granny’s ashes will be put into a pot called an urn. If we would like to, we can bring the urn home or we can scatter her ashes in the gardens of the crematorium or somewhere else Granny liked very much. Later on, if you want to, you can visit the place where Granny’s ashes are scattered and sit nearby and think about her.'

You might like to watch our special animated film with your child: Explaining funerals to children: What happens at a cremation? 

How can I involve my child in planning a funeral?

If someone special to them has died, try to involve the child as much as possible. This helps them to feel included and creates opportunities for them to share their thoughts and feelings and any worries they might have. You can ask your child if they would like to make a drawing or write a note make a card which could be placed on the coffin. Ask them if they have a favourite poem or a song that might be included in the service. If possible, before the funeral, you might want to take your child to the location where the funeral will be taking place to help them to feel more secure and to know what to expect.

Should I let my child view the body of their special person?

Viewing the body of someone who has died may feel like a very grown-up thing for a child to do and many adults will understandably have reservations. People have different views or may assume that a child will find it too upsetting. 

Provided they are given a choice and are well prepared, many bereaved children tell us that seeing the body is something that they do not regret doing. Children usually view a body to say goodbye, or to gain reassurance that the person is at peace. Those who were well supported tell us that it helped to put their minds at rest and that, however difficult, it was not as bad as imagined, or as having unanswered questions. For many, it helps them start to understand the reality of what being dead means.

It is important that a child is supported to understand that viewing the body of the person who has died is their choice, but that it is not something that they are expected or under pressure to do, or that it is something that will please adults around them. 

Even when a child has made the choice to view a body, they may feel unsure. Adults can help by reassuring them that they can change their minds at any point and that this is OK. For more detailed guidance, read our resource on supporting your child to view a body.

Visiting the burial place or cemetery

Some children find it comforting to visit the grave or place where ashes are scattered. Others view graveyards and cemeteries as frightening or unwelcoming places. Reassure your child that films and television programmes that show graveyards as scary places, are not like the real thing.

Others can find visiting the grave or cemetery bewildering, especially if they are confused about what being dead means. For ways to explain death, you may find it helpful to look at our resource on explaining to a child that someone has died and our short animations about what happens at a burial and what happens at a cremation.

Ask your child if they would like to visit the graveside or cemetery, making it clear that it is their choice and not something that adults expect them to do. Give them the opportunity to leave some flowers or a memento but let them know that visiting the grave is just one way of saying goodbye and remembering. You may also find it helpful to look at our short animated film, Remembering someone special who has died for other ways to remember. 

If you do decide to visit the grave with your child, you can make it part of your normal family life by perhaps making the visit part of a walk or other activity.

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