Jane was supported by Child Bereavement UK in Buckinghamshire after her son died by suicide, aged 17.  She shares how support has helped her to rebuild her life. 

At the beginning you think you can’t possibly live your life in this situation but, very slowly, in a way that you can’t even see or know, you start to think differently but there’s no shortcut, you have to go through it, and you can’t hurry it along.

I found out about Child Bereavement UK through friends of friends. It was difficult to pick up the phone and to say those words to a stranger because at that point I hadn't actually said them out loud and was in so much shock. But the person on the other end of the phone was very patient and said it was alright, there was no hurry.  

I used to come for face-to-face sessions every month and went to a group for parents, and during Covid I was supported by telephone. There’s no pressure, nobody says you can have so many sessions and then that’s the end of it; sometimes it’s less frequent and at other times more frequent, depending on what’s required. 

I can talk to my practitioner about things I can’t talk to anybody else about. Child death is a very difficult subject for people to talk about and a lot of ordinary counsellors wouldn’t have the right skills to support somebody through it, particularly with the added complication of death by suicide.

Talking to other parents in the group for parents who’ve been through the death of a child has been invaluable. I’ve met parents who have lost their children in all kinds of circumstances - they understand and there’s no judgement whatsoever. It’s been good to see how they change over time because it doesn’t always stay the same. I found, especially in the early months, that you can see the difference in somebody else more than you can see it in yourself; it gave me hope that it doesn’t always stay as bad as it is initially. But it’s so, so slow, 

I’ve seen in myself and in my bereaved friends that as time passes, we’ve been able to function more and have even started to enjoy some things again, which at the start you think you never will be able to. I was told by someone who had been bereaved longer than me that she thought it would never be possible but now she’s living a productive and happy life. I thought the same, but I now believe you can.

In the very early days, the grief made me feel like I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t speak. I remember a friend asking if I cried much and I said: ‘When the adrenaline wears off, I can't move and I can’t speak’. There are many hours in between the practical things you have to do when someone dies, like the funeral, but you do it on autopilot. 

In those early days you feel like even having a shower is such an effort, it takes so long. Your limbs feel heavy, like walking through treacle, and you just feel exhausted just doing ordinary things. It’s very tiring to do things you did before like going to the shops or cooking a meal. 

I remember waking up every morning thinking it’s a mountain to climb and thinking in metaphors about things all the time because the feelings I was experiencing were ones I’d never experienced before or read about. My family would talk in these metaphors too. 

However, gradually you start to be able to do things again without it taking an immense effort. To be honest it’s hard to remember three and a half years later how it felt in the early days and I think that’s because it’s not really a very nice thing to remember.

I am happy to say that those overwhelming feelings aren’t there anymore. I don’t feel bad about that; I know it’s not because I think about my son any less or that I miss him any less, it’s just that I’ve grown used to it. I describe it as being in my bones now -  I think I’ve grown accustomed to it, but it takes a long time. I guess it’s different for everybody, but I can live alongside it now and be a good mum, wife, daughter and friend, with happy memories to honour my son. 

I have two surviving sons and my hope for our family is that they will have their own families one day and that we will be a positive, happy family who can talk about the uncle that they never knew. I think that we are part of the way there as we’ve been able to make some new memories with our sons. 

If I was talking to somebody who was in my situation, I would say that it doesn't always stay the same forever. You don’t miss your child any less but gradually as time goes by it becomes integrated into you. At the beginning you think you can’t possibly live your life in this situation but, very slowly, in a way that you can’t even see or know, you start to think differently but there’s no shortcut, you have to go through it, and you can’t hurry it along.

---

Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services.

You can also call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40, email [email protected], or use Live Chat on our website.