Parenting a bereaved child when you are widowed or your partner has died can be extremely challenging when you are juggling the responsibilities of two parents / carers alongside your and your child’s grief. You might feel under immense pressure at this difficult time to compensate for the fact that your child is missing their other parent, carer or other significant person in their life. While this is totally understandable, it is important to remember that you do not need to be a ‘super parent’; simply by being there for your child, you are already doing a good job. 

Children don’t need you to be perfect and by showing that you’re coping with challenges despite perhaps feeling sad or anxious about the future, you’re helping your child to learn that it is possible to cope while experiencing difficult feelings and challenges. You may find it helpful to view our resource on supporting your child when their parent has died. 

How can I replace everything my partner, husband or wife did for my child?

Parents bereaved of a partner can sometimes feel that they have to fulfil the role of the parent who has died in addition to their own role. If you start from the knowledge that this is an impossible task - your partner was unique, as was their relationship with your child - then this may help you set expectations of yourself that feel more realistic and manageable. Your family has changed shape and you will no doubt need to make practical adjustments which will involve unavoidable changes to how things were before. 

You may also need to reach out to ask others to help you, which can feel difficult when you are used to doing everything for your child, for instance lift shares to school or taking your child to football practice or dance class when it is impossible for you to be in two places at once. It is OK to ask and, in many cases, people will be pleased to be able to do something to help, knowing your situation. 

“Jen was very big on occasions like Halloween, Christmas and birthdays. What I found difficult was that I couldn't fill those shoes, I couldn’t do what she did, it was just impossible. I had to learn very quickly that I don't have to and that we were on a new chapter, and this is how we do it now. I was really afraid that the girls would be upset but they were actually really good about it and I think that's down to their being enabled to process their own memories.” David, whose wife died when their daughters were 10 and 8. 

“Life for us as a family was always exciting, always loads of things going on, always eventful. She would plan a year ahead in terms of holidays and where we are going so the kids had loads to look forward to, whether it be just going to the park or going on holiday on a plane somewhere. I was always the unorganised person - I  used to turn up, and follow suit with what was arranged. “ Rio, whose wife died

How can I manage parenting alone?

Parenting on your own can feel very lonely and daunting. You and your partner may have had different skills and strengths you brought to your family. Solo parenting can be exhausting and it’s important to recognise your achievements and the resilience and strength it takes to parent alone while also grieving. 

“It’s very difficult to keep things on an even keel, and you don’t want the children to be further damaged by seeing you not being able to cope.” Eammon, whose wife died when his daughters were 8 and 5

“She was a fantastic mother to our three beautiful children. She believed very much in structure and routine in the household. She was a very loving and caring mum, but also very strict and very forthright with her opinions of how the children should be brought up. That’s been a part that I have been really trying to continue since she passed away and the bit I probably find most difficult in terms of dissecting what she would have wanted at certain times in the children’s development”  Rio, whose wife died

If you and your partner were living together, the physical absence of your partner will be keenly felt as will their support and companionship. If you were separated from your partner, it may be that you shared parental responsibility, or your child may have spent time away from home with them. This will require a new adjustment for both you and your child, who may be experiencing the loss of a second home or blended family, or the future of that arrangement may be uncertain which can  be unsettling. This can feel like a secondary loss for your child which may cause anxiety alongside the challenge of a major adjustment in your routines.

You might feel that you’re not equipped to deal with some of the things your child wants and needs, such as helping them with their personal care and encouraging them in their interests. Some parents may find it difficult to support an opposite sex child, for instance if they have particular hobbies or interests that they shared with the person who died in which you might not have interest or expertise. 

You may be concerned that you’re not able to give your child the same experiences as their friends and that you might struggle to navigate conversations about personal things such as puberty and relationships. It can be helpful to seek advice or help from a family member such as your child’s aunt or uncle if they have one and are close, or perhaps a trusted friend who has a child of a similar age.

It’s important to not expect too much and to be kind to yourself. Seek help if you’re struggling with any aspects of parenting; it may be that friends and family or a sympathetic teacher could help and there might be groups, clubs or extra-curricular school activities that can provide your child with the input you feel unable to offer to develop their skills and enthusiasm. 

“I chose a school and sports clubs for my son that had male teachers and facilities to try to compensate.’ Jane, whose husband died

“I couldn’t plait her hair like her mum did and I felt like a complete failure.” Mark, whose wife died

How can I manage my child’s behaviour now that my partner has died?

All children’s behaviour can be challenging at times - this is normal and natural and is often their way of testing and learning about boundaries. When a child is bereaved, it can be difficult for a parent to know if their behaviour is normal or stems from their grief. See our resource on children’s understanding of death at different ages for more on how children of different ages may respond to grief. 

If your child’s behaviour is challenging it can be difficult having to manage this  with the added complexity and context of your shared grief. But challenging behaviour can be stressful for you as a parent and for any other children in the family, so it can help to recognise that it is OK for you to set boundaries for acceptable behaviour and to make your expectations clear. Try to praise any positive behaviour as this models what you find acceptable and helps to build your child’s confidence, while still being supportive and sensitive to their underlying sadness.

“It’s difficult to do the ‘good cop bad cop’ side of parenting alone. One-to-one parenting creates a stand-off situation with no let up and you have to resolve everything on your own.” Jane, whose husband died

A child bereaved of a parent may be afraid that their other parent might also die, which can cause them to struggle with separation anxiety. It’s important that any comments that you make about their behaviour do not suggest you might withdraw your love or support. It can help to explain to your child that feeling worried about separation is OK and is a normal reaction to the death of someone special to them, but that over time this feeling will ease. If you need to leave your child, let them know you’ll be leaving in advance in a clear way and explain to them who will be caring for them and when you’ll be coming back. See our resource for more on supporting a bereaved child with separation anxiety, 

If your child is feeling angry, it’s important to help them understand that while this is a normal response to grief, it’s not OK to hurt themselves or others.  It may help to find safe ways for them to release their anger such as through physical exercise, or, for instance by punching a cushion. You may also find it helpful to look at our resource on supporting a grieving child and to watch our short animated films with your child on managing emotions:  Volcano and The Invisible Suitcase.

 If you’re finding it challenging to talk to your child about their behaviour it may help to have the support of a family member or close friend who you and your child trusts, but in most circumstances this won’t be necessary. 

How do we move forward with family life while remembering my partner who has died?

It is OK to start creating a new life with your child which includes remembering their parent / carer who has died. Things will never be the same but with time, you can start to build new traditions and new ways of being as a family. Moving forward is not the same as moving on. Doing nice things and having fun as a family doesn’t mean you have forgotten the person, the special part they played and the place they hold in your memories. See our short animated film for ways to remember someone special to you who has died. 

How can I cope with milestones?

It can feel bittersweet seeing other children grow up with their mum or dad when you and your child are missing your partner. Occasions such as the anniversary of the death of your partner, their birthday, your child’s birthday, or Mother’s or Father’s Day can be difficult. It can be helpful to keep your partner’s memory alive by including your child in doing something positive to celebrate them, such as making their favourite cake on their birthday, or having a picnic or going to a special place they loved to remember them. This can be as helpful to a child who has very few memories of their parent who has died as to a child who has many memories. 

“We always make a birthday card for Daddy and my son helps to make his favourite chocolate cake. My son loves doing this and it is a happy thing to do, especially as he gets to enjoy making, baking and of course eating the cake! It creates a natural way to talk about his Daddy without it feeling like a difficult or sad thing to do.”  Jane, whose husband died

When your child achieves something special it can feel bittersweet that your partner isn’t there to celebrate. This could be passing exams, scoring a goal or just doing something else well that your child is proud of. It can be a nice way to talk about their parent by saying how proud they would have been. You can also look to other family members such as grandparents, aunts and uncles to let them know so they can praise and encourage your child when they have tried hard.

Making decisions around major milestones such as choosing schools or study subjects, can feel like a weight of responsibility when you are a sole parent. It can help to seek advice from others who know your child well, such as their teacher, aunt or uncle or grandparents, and run things past them to reassure you. 

“It can be hard to bear sole responsibility for everything, especially the big decisions like choosing schools or moving house. What if I get it wrong?” Jane, whose husband died

Going to parents’ evening alone for the first time can feel daunting and isolating, especially if it feels like you are the only widowed parent. It may be helpful to realise that other parents may be divorced or separated and many well attend on their own; even though their circumstances are very different and not comparable with yours, you may feel less self-conscious attending as a sole parent and once you are there, it may not seem as difficult as you thought it was going to be. Equally, you might like to have a close relative accompany you or a friend who can be waiting in the wings. 

“When you have a partner, you can go to them for advice but, suddenly, I was on my own and didn’t know what to do.” Gina, whose husband died

Changes of school can feel like a big adjustment and you might want to talk to your child’s new school and let them know about your child’s situation. At secondary school, where teachers rotate more frequently, it might not be possible for all teachers to be aware but a conversation with your child’s tutor or a member of the pastoral team is a good place to start and it can help them to be aware of any potential issues. See our resource for more on  returning to school after someone has died. You may also find it helpful to direct your child’s school to our resources for the education sector on supporting bereaved pupils. 

“It was bittersweet seeing all the dads encouraging and cheering their sons on the pitch when mine didn’t have one. I felt sad that he didn’t have his dad to teach him when all his friends had practised sport with their dads and were taken to matches. It was difficult to compensate.” Jane, whose husband died

How can I cope as a widowed parent when my child leaves home? 

When your child leaves home either to go to college or university or to start a job, it can feel lonely. Try to have nice things planned for when they first leave, even just simple things in the diary that are for you to enjoy, and try to find friends in a similar situation who can relate to how you’re feeling. You or your child may find it helpful to look at our resource on grieving while you’re at university or college. 

Above all, it is important to give yourself a pat on the back for being the best parent you could be under very difficult circumstances and seeing your child develop, grow and flourish. 

If I meet a new partner, how can I support my bereaved child?

Forming a new family with a new partner can be challenging for everyone and children may not immediately be ready to accept the new situation. Acknowledging your child’s concerns and making time to talk and remember their parent / carer who has died can be helpful as can finding ways to build new memories together. See our resource on stepparenting where a biological parent has died for further guidance. 

How can I find people who understand what it’s like to be a widowed parent?

You may also find it helpful to join a group where you can meet other parents whose partners have died and their families for support, such as WAY Widowed and Young. You may also have the opportunity to meet other widowed parents at our groups for families and groups for parenting support. Call our Helpline on 0800 02 888 40 to find out about availability of groups in your area or online.

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